EGR - Your Personal Psychic on the Web!

Entropy Gradient Reversals is pleased to announce this breathtaking new service on the World Wide Web! For only $9.95 per minute (you are being timed even as you read this) you now have access to your very own personal psychic! If you can answer these ten simple questions -- as honestly as you are able -- we can tell you a lot about yourself. You'll also see just how personal this service intends to get!

  1. How old are you really?   

  2. You're not one of those weirdos, are you?
      Well, I used to be...
      No, I am not in the least weird.

  3. How much money have you got?   $

  4. Have you ever been arrested for exposing yourself in public?
      Yes
      No
      Need more explanation

  5. When was the last time you ordered something -- anything -- online?
      Supply date:   

  6. Have you ever posted to a USENET newsgroup?
      Why, yes!
      Not to my recollection

    • The population of Trenton, New Jersey is approximately equal to which of the following Third World countries?
        Sri Lanka
        Kuala Lumpur
        Arkansas

    • Do you often feel as if someone were following you?
      Relax and take as much time as you need to explain.

    • Select the characteristics that best describe yourself.
      (Check off as many as you like!)
        Skeptical
        Fearful
        Respectful of others' property
        Forceful
        Carefree
        Culturally disenfranchised
        Shy
        Horny
        Shy and Horny
        Remorseless
        Ephemeral
        Ineluctable
        Unelectable

    • Finally, what is your True Sign?

        Disregarding your actual date of birth, use the chart below to identify where you think you should fit into the Great Celestial Scheme. Write your answer in the space provided below.
The Signs of the Zodiac
SIGN
ASPECT
CONJUNCT
APPLIANCE
VEGETABLE
NEWSGROUP
Aquarius
Sextile Jupiter
Mercury
clock radio
Parsnip
alt.religion.kibology
Scorpio
Trine Saturn
Mars
blender
Broccoli
alt.sex.bestiality.barney
Pisces
Trine Beetlejuice
Jupiter
toaster oven
Carrot
alt.skinheads.moderated
Leo
Cusp Los Angeles
Mercury
coffee grinder
Rutabaga
alt.destroy.the.earth
Sagittarius
Retrograde Mars
Moon
travel alarm
Cabbage
alt.bad.clams
Virgo
Gatorade Venus
Jelly Roll
shoe buffer
Endive
alt.tv.weird-science
Libra
Trifecta Equus
Fig Newton
juicer
Beet
alt.penguin-fetish.recovery
Capricorn
Square Uranus
Lemon Pledge
Mr. Coffee
Potato
alt.tasteless
Aries
E Pluribus Unum
Venus
hair dryer
Squash
alt.drinks.kool-aid
Cancer
Rigor Mortis
Neptune
sock warmer
Onion
alt.fan.barry-manilow
Taurus
Immum Coeli
Sun
refrigerator
Corn
alt.devilbunnies
TV's Frank
Posterior Analytics
Street Corner
water softener
Bean
alt.religion.emacs

My True Sign is:   

And now we need a little personal data.

"Yours is a generation of mystically oriented individuals,
each of you psychic to some degree."

Thank you for submitting this approval form to
The Entropy Gradient Reversals Personal Psychic Network.
While we cannot accept everyone, your chances look
excellent
based on the really sharp answers you've given above.
Please sit by your telephone now
with a credit card handy.







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