Gonzo Marketing:Winning Through Worst Practices The Bombast Transcripts: Rants and Screeds of RageBoy
Another cup? Why not!

Google Groups subscribe to Entropy Gradient Reversals
browse archives at groups.google.com


via PayPal...


Chris Locke's Facebook profile

don williams
jp rangaswami
dan gillmor
kevin marks
ann craig
frank paynter
mary wehmeier
donna wentworth
gary turner
halley suitt
jeneane sessum
blog sisters
denise howell
doc searls
david weinberger
brian millar
steve larsen
elizabeth lane lawley
michael "OC" clarke
george partington
e v h e a d
dave winer
eric norlin
tom matrullo
sweet fancy moses
julian bond
steve maclaughlin
the obvious?
gayle noelle
kate cohen
wood s lot
talking moose
oliver willis
dean landsman
creepy steve
bob adams
hernani dimantas
martin jensen
living code
walter thornton
phil wolff
steve rhodes
bob adams
gaspar torriero
paul vincent
sharon o'neill
sheila perkins
pluto krozabeeep
movable type
keith pelczarski
keith perkins
howard greenstein
greg carter
aron nopanen
bret fausett
m. melting object
sylvain carle
Saturday, August 21, 2004
You Have Been Pre-Approved
a once in a lifetime opportunity!

to those who swoon at nature's bounty

a one-way trip to Charlotte County!

this one is dedicated with affection to
tom matrullo

9:47 PM | link |

and you bite too!
It's a beautiful cool clear sunny day here in Boulder, and I've been losing it since my eyes snapped open at 8am. I smoked a cigarette, took a piss, and swilled down the half (empty) cup of coffee from last night. Then I went back to sleep until noon. I'm so depressed I could fucking die. And I'm so tired of feeling this way I could fucking puke.

I've learned something important in these recent months, though: the depression isn't half so bad as long as I don't think about my life.

Therefore, I am practicing not thinking about my life. Of course, if I'm successful at this, I won't have anything to write about. And that would make a difference because... why? Well, because then all the people who depend on me to figure out what life is all about would be disappointed and let down and then they'd get depressed and the whole cycle would start over again. So not thinking about my life doesn't seem to be an option, even though this is a double negative. Which is what she said. And as Jimi said: I don't live today. Maybe tomorrow baby.

Here's another tip. Checking your Technorati "cosmos" doesn't help you not-to-think-about-your-life. Not one bit. So: more depression. It's fucking endless. It's despair is what it is, but since I'm trying not to be so negative, let's just call it insufficient joy. Yeah, that's it. It's not No Exit. It's Limited Egress. Because anyway, I went to Technorati (I am not only fucking depressed, I'm fucking bored), and found this piece by Andrew Goodman dated August 19 (this year of Our Lord) and titled Gonzo Blogging at Y! Search. I wondered what "Y!" meant for about five minutes. Then I got it. Oh. I guess it's like when people (not me) say: "I got an E from Kathi!" Where E = not MC2, but email. Or, loosely related (loosely, that is to say, joined): the fact that saying "dub-el-yew-dub-el-yew-dub-el-yew" takes nine syllables, but "world wide web" takes only three. I know I wouldn't think about shit like this if I weren't so fucking depressed. I just know it.

Where was I?

Oh yes. So this article by Andrew Goodman is on a site called Traffick, which I had never seen before, not giving a damn about traffic, myself, except to suggest that certain people go play in it. (btw, that was a classic hortatory subjunctive construction, for you non-native speakers and those of you playing along at home.) And I find these bits, though not necessarily in this order. They just make more sense in this order, OK?

The analysts over at JupiterMedia are trying to find a voice on their weblogs, but as "analysts," they need to be wary of being seen as "chatty," since after all, don't analysts buckle down and "analyze" for relatively princely sums? On these blogs we see a mix of terse bullet-point analysis and the use of adjectives like "crappy." Interesting, though far from the streams of profanity we used to get over at EGR.
I wonder what the cocksucker means by "used to get"? But since I'm trying to be less negative, I'll just say: WTF? And also:
...can the corporate blog live up to the high hopes expressed by people like Cluetrain Manifesto [96 used & new from $1.72] co-author (and author of an even more extreme version of the corporate-outreach argument, Gonzo Marketing [56 used & new from $0.35]) Chris Locke?
Then comes the recommendation:
Maybe a rule of thumb for blogging should be: check out EGR, see how that's done, and then pull it back a couple of notches.
Maybe I should try this myself. The only real question is how many notches I should pull it back. To not writing "cocksucker"? To not admitting that I took enough LSD to kill an entire Barnum & Bailey circus audience? To where I was before I became suicidally depressed at the idiocy that has replaced the once-human race? Or to the sad-ass psychological state I once found myself in, trying to not throw up when I said I worked for MCI and IBM?

Here's my advice: a) You can't go home again; b) Stick it in as far as you can; c) Break it off; d) Notch your belt.

But then, it seems as if maybe there's hope after all. Consider this bit from the same article:

While some believe that Microsoft can pull the rug out at any time, it's getting less credible to think this when so many of the best people work at Google and Yahoo!, and so many customers both love and respect these companies (whereas they merely respect Microsoft).
Oh yeah, I respect Microsoft, you bet. Let me tell you sometime how they fucked up my phone bill with their cocksucking MSN "service" to the point I got locked off the net because some dildo customer "service" cocksucker added a second account to my bill when I asked him to kill the one I had. For like the 37th time. But never mind all that.

Let us focus instead on that phrase "love and respect," which is linked to lovemarks.com, and which moreover, as you can see from their logo, has the tagline: "the future beyonds brands." In other words, brands that don't really seem like brands because you -- yes, YOU, THE EYEBALLS -- love them. Fuckin love em to death. Hmmm, where have I heard this sort of thing before? I scratch my head. Then I look down at the bottom of the page and see...

On the off chance that you don't already know -- like if you've been stranded in Antarctica for the last 40 years -- Saatchi & Saatchi is an advertising agency. A big one. A hip one. Oh yeah. Why lovemarks even has a Community! Can you beat that shit? And you -- -- yes, YOU, THE EYEBALLS -- can even nominate and vote for your most beloved not-really-trademarks. Which is to say: "lovemarks." Goddam! Is this big fun or what?

So naturally, I made clocke nominate me. I threatened him with the merciless superego lash again. One little flick of the whip is all it takes these days. So I took control of his carpals and metacarpals and made him type...

RageBoy® literally changed my life. Before he came around, the Internet was boring and gray. Then one day this strange character appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly the web began to glow, sort of like that scene at the end of Repo Man where Oscar and the Plate-O-Shrimp guy get into the radioactive Malibu and take off over Los Angeles. It's true that RageBoy® is a bit deranged, but that's just because he's been trapped on this planet for so long. RageBoy® has inspired love and confidence among many, including recent alien abductees and senior vice presidents of marketing. He has many passionate followers who value his discerning sense of fine art and use of colorful language. Among net cognoscenti, he is widely sought after for his online business acumen and deep grasp of personal finance. Plus, he's so accessible, I almost feel I know him.
So listen, if they lose their minds over there at lovebites (and you bite too) or whateverthefuck it's called, and they put up my glowing testimonial to myself, I don't have to tell you -- especially this year -- how important it is for each and every one of you to get out there and

6:29 PM | link |

Friday, August 20, 2004
Wolf! Wolf!

no, not really a REAL wolf

10:12 PM | link |

back online
with a lot of help from my friends
Thanks to you (some of you, you know who you are), I was able to get Qwest to reinstate my phone service in the past hour, and thus not only make calls, but also get back online. Whew! What a weird, lonely feeling to be so cut out and out of touch. So I'm glad that's over -- at least for a while, until the electric company shuts me down. Hell, it's like fightin off the damn Revenooers in the back woods of Appalachia! Can't a man run a little still to make his own personal moonshine? And well, since I quit drinking 20+ years ago, blogging has become my own personal moonshine. 'Ceptin of course if y'all would like ta take a hit. Here, let me pass the jug around. Since I already done passed the plate.

Anyway, and despite all that, I can't thank you enough. Making this short so I can send it before I have to run out of here and pick up my meds and see my analyst. And before that, I need to brew another cup of coffee. Details, details, no wonder my life is so... well, let's just call it "complicated."

2:46 PM | link |

Tuesday, August 17, 2004
RageBoy® Sells Out!
(locke made me do it)
Yeah I made him do it. Are you kidding? The worthless sot. Might as well get some use out of him. The truth is, I'm terrified over here. My bank account is a couple hundred dollars in the red, there's three bucks and change left in my PayPal account, and I've got 20 dollars or so in my wallet. Plus, I've been squatting in this condo for well over a year and they're about to kick me out. In six weeks to be precise. With cops and dogs and fire hoses probably. And me and the kitty and the 12 million books, where are we gonna go then? I've tried to make this all sound like a jolly old lark, but it's spooky as hell, and I'm really scared. I've always told you the truth, right? Well... no. I haven't. But this is the down-and-dirty hand-on-the-Bible straight-up no-shit fact: I am looking at living on the street and it's even more depressing than being depressed. I am seriously freaking, wigging out, rending my garment like those weirdos in the Old Testament. This is not funny. This ain't no disco. Like I ever thought it was a disco! And yes, you can now give me all sorts of good advice like that I should get serious and snap out of it and cut my hair and get a job. All of which I agree with. Except I'm not sure if I cut my hair how I should style it. I'm open to suggestions.

But... Yes, of course there's a "but." I haven't totally lost my mind.

And the "but" is this: you must pay!

Yeah, yeah, I realize none of this is your fault, but hey, who said life was fair? Just shut the fuck up and get your wallets out, OK?

So here's my plan...

Talk to RageBoy on the Phone!
For Up to One Whole HOUR!
~~~ Only 50 Bucks! ~~~

This represents a whopping 99.75% discount off the $20,000 per hour fee we got for speaking all over the motherfucking world in 2000-2001 before we went bonkers and couldn't function there for a couple-three years due to (as far as we can figure it): 1) Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD); 2) Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID); 3) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD); 4) Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); 5) Bad Attitude Attention Deficit Disorder (BAADD); or, and most likely, 6) All of the Above Disorder (TOTALLYFUCKEDUPD).

So, simply pick from the following pull-down menus...

I would like to talk about...
But my real problem is with...

Then click the tasteful purchase button...

Yes, it's as simple as that! And who wouldn't want to chat with someone guaranteed to be more messed up than themselves?

Plus, once you have forked over the cash, you will be redirected to this lovely letter of thanks (Certificate of Authenticity included), which we reproduce here for the benefit of all the cheapskate skinflints who wouldn't give us a band aid if we were bleeding. Because see? We don't hold any grudges or bear ill will toward those lower beings who just don't seem to know where it's at and are too wrapped up in their own little problems to care about others of lesser fortune. No, we wouldn't stoop to their level and sully our karma. Life is just too short to become enmeshed in such petty and unworthy delusions.



Uh... but where were we? Oh yes, the lovely letter of thanks, right...

Official PayPal Seal

Hey, Good Move!

Thanks. I really needed that.

I want to do this right, so I have included the PayPal instructions below, in [enter exact color here].

Ready? OK, here we go then...

  • Per the user agreement, you must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that will help the buyer understand that the payment has been made and that the transaction has been completed.

    The page you are now reading is the aforesaid "Return URL," hereinafter referred to as The Page You Are Reading. Do you understand this? Good. We will now help you understand that you have given us money. Are you ready? Is your #2 pencil sharp and poised to take this down? Good. Then listen carefully: being of sound mind (presumably, though it could be argued) you have given us money of your own free will. You have at no time left your money unattended. You are not carrying firearms, box cutters, or any sort of explosive device. Please step over to the window and remove your shoes. Thank you. Now put them back on. Thank you. You understand that you have paid this money so that RageBoy® -- out of sheer financial desperation -- will talk to you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR about anything you care to kick around. The Transaction of the First Part (where you gave us the money) has now been completed. We suspect you already knew that, but this verbiage is just to make double sure. Put your hands on your head. Put your hands on your hips. Good. Thank you. You may now board the airplane.

  • You must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that explains that payment transaction details will be emailed to the buyer.
  • The Page You Are Reading is now about to esplain you what is gonna happen next. Comprende? Bueno. Press 1 for English. Excellent. You're one of us then. What a relief. Do you play polo, perchance? Well, we can discuss that later. For the moment, these are your instructions. Sit by your terminal. (Try not to wiggle around so much.) Wait. Soon, you will receive some sort of communication explaining something important. We don't have clue one what it will say, but it will probably sound like it was written by a committee. Some sort of details will be included about how you (the Party of the First Part) and we (the Parties of the Second & Third Parts) are going to conclude The Transaction of the Second Part, i.e., the part where RageBoy® talks with you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR -- out of sheer financial desperation. It will probably include our email address, but if it doesn't, here it is now: clocke@panix.com. Also, here is our telephone number: (720) 304-8077. However, if you call and you have not yet paid us fifty (50) dollars of American money, we will only speak to you abusively in various fake foreign accents of our choice for a period of up to but not exceeding 26 seconds.

  • Example: Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...

    Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...

Now see? That wasn't so hard, was it? Except now you're out 50 bucks, because RageBoy® is the world's most boring conversationalist, especially if you were expecting him to sound anything like the way he writes. So: caveat emptor, Valued Reader.

But whoops, too late now!


(otherwise, the kitty gets it)

8:38 AM | link |

Monday, August 16, 2004
it's lonely at the top
gobble gobble
I'll have to remember to check back in a couple days to see if they fell for this one. Click on the grafik to see the actual product listing. And to think Bezos could be paying me to do something constructive!

2:00 AM | link |

Sunday, August 15, 2004
it's up to you
and coyote say tell me about it, doc, I know...

 been down
 so long it
 looks like
 up to me

and moreover: cold is not false heat. to be continued...

7:53 PM | link |

and now a word from our sponsor
we'll be right back after this...
Well, I seem to have accomplished zip today. But I did find a site where I could test my self-esteem. Evidently, I didn't do too good. But with questions like this, what could I expect?
27. Ugh, you get a huge zit on picture day. You:
  • Fake illness and stay home
  • Get my parents to take me to the best dermatologist in town � ASAP!
  • Try to cover it up, then grin and bear it
  • Do nothing. I get zits all the time
Turns out the whole thing is created by some zit cream outfit. "Feeling good about yourself has a lot to do with your appearance. When you have zits, you don't like the way you look. You don't like the way others see you..." Uh-huh. I wonder if they've got a Prozac cream you can rub on your ass? Feel all fucking wonderful. Provoke instant estrus in superhot babes. So I guess I would have to say that scientific rigor was something of a problem with this particular testing instrument. Also, maybe this shit works for... uh... unsightly facial blemishes (did I get that right?), but christ on a crutch! look what it does to your fucking eyes!

Yeah, well, anyway, whatever. Here's what I got...

Does Your Self-Esteem Need a Makeover?

chris, your self-esteem could use A Little Boost

Whatever. OK, so maybe you're not a total wastoid, but you might have a touch of slacker in you. While marching to the beat of your own drummer is great, being apathetic isn't going to get you anywhere.

Maybe you don't worry about consequences or maybe you just don't care. Either way, showing passion for your interests and taking care of yourself are two ways you can feel happier every day! When you find something you can put your energy toward � besides sleeping or being negative � you'll find that life is that much more interesting, and you will be, too! So take a more active interest in school, a hobby, a job, or some other activity that inspires you, and you'll see your self-esteem soar.

So go ahead and give your self-esteem a boost. Clearer skin could be just the lift you need to have unblemished confidence. Click here to see how you can give your complexion a boost.

Yeah, go ahead and click there, where it will tell you: "During the first few weeks of treatment, itching, dryness, redness, burning or peeling may occur." What it doesn't tell you is that if you use this stuff for two months you have a 45% chance of turning into a NEGRO! And what's that gonna do for your self-esteem, huh? How's that gonna change "the way others see you"?

Self-esteem. How to pretend you're someone else when you basically hate who you are.

Self-esteem. Don't leave home without it.

12:58 AM | link |

"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
~D. Weinberger
28 October 2004

Chris Locke's photos More of Chris Locke's photos

Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of. I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos." It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.

support free journalism
get this code

Technorati Search
this blog
all blogs

what I'm listening to...
billy idol - greatest hits

egr on topica
on yahoo groups
(way)back issues
egr home
terms of service

technorati cosmos

It is too late.



The Bombast Transcripts

Gonzo Marketing

The Cluetrain Manifesto

trust the man with the star

...the ventriloquial voice is both an attempt to imagine and pit the the speech of the body against the speech of culture, and an attempt to control that illegitimate speech, to draw it into discourse...

Sein und Zeitgeist

Samuel Pepys

All Products
Popular Music
Classical Music
Toys & Games
Baby! Baby!
Computer Games
Tools & Hardware
Outdoor "Living"
Kitchen Stuff
Camera & Photo
Wireless Phones
Emotional Outlet
Search by keywords:
In Association with Amazon.com

more / archives

live dangerously. subscribe to EGR

at a major industry conference,
chris locke once again captures the real story.

Powered by Blogger