elizabeth lane lawley
michael "OC" clarke
e v h e a d
sweet fancy moses
wood s lot
m. melting object
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
(locke made me do it)
Yeah I made him do it. Are you kidding?
The worthless sot. Might as well get some use out of him.
The truth is, I'm terrified over here. My bank account is a couple hundred dollars in
the red, there's three bucks and change left in my PayPal account, and
I've got 20 dollars or so in my wallet. Plus, I've been squatting in this
condo for well over a year and they're about to kick me out. In six weeks
to be precise. With cops and dogs and fire hoses probably. And me and the
kitty and the 12 million books, where are we gonna go then? I've tried
to make this all sound like a jolly old lark, but it's spooky as hell,
and I'm really scared. I've always told you the truth, right? Well... no.
I haven't. But this is the down-and-dirty hand-on-the-Bible straight-up
no-shit fact: I am looking at living on the street and it's even more depressing than being depressed. I am
seriously freaking, wigging out, rending my garment like those weirdos
in the Old Testament. This is not funny. This ain't no disco. Like I ever thought it
was a disco! And yes, you can now give me all sorts of good advice like
that I should get serious and snap out of it and cut my hair and get a
job. All of which I agree with. Except I'm not sure if I cut my hair how
I should style it. I'm open to suggestions.
But... Yes, of course there's a "but." I haven't totally lost
And the "but" is this: you must pay!
Yeah, yeah, I realize none of this is your fault, but hey, who said life
was fair? Just shut the fuck up and get your wallets out, OK?
So here's my plan...
Talk to RageBoy on the
This represents a whopping 99.75% discount off
the $20,000 per hour fee we got for speaking all over the motherfucking world
in 2000-2001 before we went bonkers and couldn't function there for a couple-three
years due to (as far as we can figure it): 1) Multiple Personality Disorder
(MPD); 2) Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID); 3) Borderline Personality
Disorder (BPD); 4) Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); 5) Bad Attitude
Attention Deficit Disorder (BAADD); or, and most likely, 6) All of the Above
For Up to One Whole HOUR!
~~~ Only 50 Bucks! ~~~
So, simply pick from the following pull-down menus...
Yes, it's as simple as that! And who wouldn't want to chat with someone guaranteed to be more messed up than themselves?
Plus, once you have forked over the cash, you will be redirected to this
lovely letter of thanks (Certificate of Authenticity included), which we
reproduce here for the benefit of all the cheapskate skinflints who wouldn't
give us a band aid if we were bleeding. Because see? We don't hold any
grudges or bear ill will toward those lower beings who just don't seem
to know where it's at and are too wrapped up in their own little problems
to care about others of lesser fortune. No, we wouldn't stoop to their
level and sully our karma. Life is just too short to become enmeshed in
such petty and unworthy delusions.
Uh... but where were we? Oh yes, the lovely letter of thanks, right...
I really needed that.
want to do this right, so I have included the PayPal instructions
below, in [enter exact color here].
Ready? OK, here we go then...
Now see? That wasn't so hard, was
it? Except now you're out 50 bucks, because RageBoy® is the world's
most boring conversationalist, especially if you were expecting him
to sound anything like the way he writes. So: caveat emptor, Valued
- Per the user agreement,
you must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return
URL that will help the buyer understand that the payment
has been made and that the transaction has been completed.
The page you are
now reading is the aforesaid "Return URL," hereinafter
referred to as The Page You Are Reading. Do you understand
this? Good. We will now help you understand that you
have given us money. Are you ready? Is your #2 pencil
sharp and poised to take this down? Good. Then listen
carefully: being of sound mind (presumably, though it
could be argued) you have given us money of your own
free will. You have at no time left your money unattended.
You are not carrying firearms, box cutters, or any sort
of explosive device. Please step over to the window and
remove your shoes. Thank you. Now put them back on. Thank
you. You understand that you have paid this money so
that RageBoy® -- out of sheer financial desperation
-- will talk to you on the telephone for up to one whole
HOUR about anything you care to kick around. The Transaction
of the First Part (where you gave us the money) has now
been completed. We suspect you already knew that, but
this verbiage is just to make double sure. Put your hands
on your head. Put your hands on your hips. Good. Thank
you. You may now board the airplane.
- You must provide
verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that explains
that payment transaction details will be emailed to the
The Page You Are Reading
is now about to esplain you what is gonna happen next. Comprende?
Bueno. Press 1 for English. Excellent. You're one of us
then. What a relief. Do you play polo, perchance? Well,
we can discuss that later. For the moment, these are your
instructions. Sit by your terminal. (Try not to wiggle around
so much.) Wait. Soon, you will receive some sort of communication
explaining something important. We don't have clue one what
it will say, but it will probably sound like it was written
by a committee. Some sort of details will be included about
how you (the Party of the First Part) and we (the Parties
of the Second & Third Parts) are going to conclude The
Transaction of the Second Part, i.e., the part where RageBoy® talks
with you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR -- out
of sheer financial desperation. It will probably include
our email address, but if it doesn't, here it is now: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Also, here is our telephone number: (720)
304-8077. However, if you call and you have not
yet paid us fifty (50) dollars of American money, we will
only speak to you abusively in various fake foreign accents
of our choice for a period of up to but not exceeding 26
- Example: Thank you
for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and
a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...
Thank you for your
payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt
for your purchase has been emailed to you...
But whoops, too late now!
OF COURSE, IT'S NOT REALLY TOO
BUT PLEASE DO GIVE GENEROUSLY, WON'T YOU?
(otherwise, the kitty gets it)
8:38 AM | link |
get your badge here.
"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
28 October 2004
||More of Chris Locke's photos
Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of.
I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos."
It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.
what I'm listening to...
egr on topica
on yahoo groups
terms of service
It is too late.