Hey, Good Move!

Thanks. I really needed that.

I want to do this right, so I have included the PayPal instructions below, in [enter exact color here].

Ready? OK, here we go then...

• Per the user agreement, you must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that will help the buyer understand that the payment has been made and that the transaction has been completed.

  The page you are now reading is the aforesaid "Return URL," hereinafter referred to as The Page You Are Reading. Do you understand this? Good. We will now help you understand that you have given us money. Are you ready? Is your #2 pencil sharp and poised to take this down? Good. Then listen carefully: being of sound mind (presumably, though it could be argued) you have given us money of your own free will. You have at no time left your money unattended. You are not carrying firearms, box cutters, or any sort of explosive device. Please step over to the window and remove your shoes. Thank you. Now put them back on. Thank you. You understand that you have paid this money so that RageBoy® -- out of sheer financial desperation -- will talk to you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR about anything you care to kick around. The Transaction of the First Part (where you gave us the money) has now been completed. We suspect you already knew that, but this verbiage is just to make double sure. Put your hands on your head. Put your hands on your hips. Good. Thank you. You may now board the airplane.

• You must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that explains that payment transaction details will be emailed to the buyer.

The Page You Are Reading is now about to esplain you what is gonna happen next. Comprende? Bueno. Press 1 for English. Excellent. You're one of us then. What a relief. Do you play polo, perchance? Well, we can discuss that later. For the moment, these are your instructions. Sit by your terminal. (Try not to wiggle around so much.) Wait. Soon, you will receive some sort of communication explaining something important. We don't have clue one what it will say, but it will probably sound like it was written by a committee. Some sort of details will be included about how you (the Party of the First Part) and we (the Parties of the Second & Third Parts) are going to conclude The Transaction of the Second Part, i.e., the part where RageBoy® talks with you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR -- out of sheer financial desperation. It will probably include our email address, but if it doesn't, here it is now: clocke@panix.com. Also, here is our telephone number: (720) 304-8077. However, if you call and you have not yet paid us fifty (50) dollars of American money, we will only speak to you abusively in various fake foreign accents of our choice for a period of up to but not exceeding 26 seconds.

• Example: Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...

  Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...

Now see? That wasn't so hard, was it? Except now you're out 50 bucks, because RageBoy® is the world's most boring conversationalist, especially if you were expecting him to sound anything like the way he writes. So: caveat emptor, Valued Reader.

But whoops, too late now!