Gonzo Marketing:Winning Through Worst Practices The Bombast Transcripts: Rants and Screeds of RageBoy
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Tuesday, August 17, 2004
RageBoy® Sells Out!
(locke made me do it)
Yeah I made him do it. Are you kidding? The worthless sot. Might as well get some use out of him. The truth is, I'm terrified over here. My bank account is a couple hundred dollars in the red, there's three bucks and change left in my PayPal account, and I've got 20 dollars or so in my wallet. Plus, I've been squatting in this condo for well over a year and they're about to kick me out. In six weeks to be precise. With cops and dogs and fire hoses probably. And me and the kitty and the 12 million books, where are we gonna go then? I've tried to make this all sound like a jolly old lark, but it's spooky as hell, and I'm really scared. I've always told you the truth, right? Well... no. I haven't. But this is the down-and-dirty hand-on-the-Bible straight-up no-shit fact: I am looking at living on the street and it's even more depressing than being depressed. I am seriously freaking, wigging out, rending my garment like those weirdos in the Old Testament. This is not funny. This ain't no disco. Like I ever thought it was a disco! And yes, you can now give me all sorts of good advice like that I should get serious and snap out of it and cut my hair and get a job. All of which I agree with. Except I'm not sure if I cut my hair how I should style it. I'm open to suggestions.

But... Yes, of course there's a "but." I haven't totally lost my mind.

And the "but" is this: you must pay!

Yeah, yeah, I realize none of this is your fault, but hey, who said life was fair? Just shut the fuck up and get your wallets out, OK?

So here's my plan...

Talk to RageBoy on the Phone!
For Up to One Whole HOUR!
~~~ Only 50 Bucks! ~~~

This represents a whopping 99.75% discount off the $20,000 per hour fee we got for speaking all over the motherfucking world in 2000-2001 before we went bonkers and couldn't function there for a couple-three years due to (as far as we can figure it): 1) Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD); 2) Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID); 3) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD); 4) Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); 5) Bad Attitude Attention Deficit Disorder (BAADD); or, and most likely, 6) All of the Above Disorder (TOTALLYFUCKEDUPD).

So, simply pick from the following pull-down menus...

I would like to talk about...
But my real problem is with...

Then click the tasteful purchase button...

Yes, it's as simple as that! And who wouldn't want to chat with someone guaranteed to be more messed up than themselves?

Plus, once you have forked over the cash, you will be redirected to this lovely letter of thanks (Certificate of Authenticity included), which we reproduce here for the benefit of all the cheapskate skinflints who wouldn't give us a band aid if we were bleeding. Because see? We don't hold any grudges or bear ill will toward those lower beings who just don't seem to know where it's at and are too wrapped up in their own little problems to care about others of lesser fortune. No, we wouldn't stoop to their level and sully our karma. Life is just too short to become enmeshed in such petty and unworthy delusions.

Namaste.

Motherfuckers!

Uh... but where were we? Oh yes, the lovely letter of thanks, right...

Official PayPal Seal

Hey, Good Move!

Thanks. I really needed that.

I want to do this right, so I have included the PayPal instructions below, in [enter exact color here].

Ready? OK, here we go then...

  • Per the user agreement, you must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that will help the buyer understand that the payment has been made and that the transaction has been completed.

    The page you are now reading is the aforesaid "Return URL," hereinafter referred to as The Page You Are Reading. Do you understand this? Good. We will now help you understand that you have given us money. Are you ready? Is your #2 pencil sharp and poised to take this down? Good. Then listen carefully: being of sound mind (presumably, though it could be argued) you have given us money of your own free will. You have at no time left your money unattended. You are not carrying firearms, box cutters, or any sort of explosive device. Please step over to the window and remove your shoes. Thank you. Now put them back on. Thank you. You understand that you have paid this money so that RageBoy® -- out of sheer financial desperation -- will talk to you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR about anything you care to kick around. The Transaction of the First Part (where you gave us the money) has now been completed. We suspect you already knew that, but this verbiage is just to make double sure. Put your hands on your head. Put your hands on your hips. Good. Thank you. You may now board the airplane.

  • You must provide verbiage on the page displayed by the Return URL that explains that payment transaction details will be emailed to the buyer.
  • The Page You Are Reading is now about to esplain you what is gonna happen next. Comprende? Bueno. Press 1 for English. Excellent. You're one of us then. What a relief. Do you play polo, perchance? Well, we can discuss that later. For the moment, these are your instructions. Sit by your terminal. (Try not to wiggle around so much.) Wait. Soon, you will receive some sort of communication explaining something important. We don't have clue one what it will say, but it will probably sound like it was written by a committee. Some sort of details will be included about how you (the Party of the First Part) and we (the Parties of the Second & Third Parts) are going to conclude The Transaction of the Second Part, i.e., the part where RageBoy® talks with you on the telephone for up to one whole HOUR -- out of sheer financial desperation. It will probably include our email address, but if it doesn't, here it is now: clocke@panix.com. Also, here is our telephone number: (720) 304-8077. However, if you call and you have not yet paid us fifty (50) dollars of American money, we will only speak to you abusively in various fake foreign accents of our choice for a period of up to but not exceeding 26 seconds.

  • Example: Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...

    Thank you for your payment. Your transaction has been completed, and a receipt for your purchase has been emailed to you...

Now see? That wasn't so hard, was it? Except now you're out 50 bucks, because RageBoy® is the world's most boring conversationalist, especially if you were expecting him to sound anything like the way he writes. So: caveat emptor, Valued Reader.

But whoops, too late now!


OF COURSE, IT'S NOT REALLY TOO LATE.
BUT PLEASE DO GIVE GENEROUSLY, WON'T YOU?

(otherwise, the kitty gets it)

8:38 AM | link |



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"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
~D. Weinberger
28 October 2004

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Chris Locke's photos More of Chris Locke's photos

Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of. I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos." It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.


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