It's a beautiful cool clear sunny day here in Boulder, and I've been losing it since my eyes snapped open at 8am. I smoked a cigarette, took a piss, and swilled down the half (empty) cup of coffee from last night. Then I went back to sleep until noon. I'm so depressed I could fucking die. And I'm so tired of feeling this way I could fucking puke.
I've learned something important in these recent months, though: the depression isn't half so bad as long as I don't think about my life.
Therefore, I am practicing not thinking about my life. Of course, if I'm successful at this, I won't have anything to write about. And that would make a difference because... why? Well, because then all the people who depend on me to figure out what life is all about would be disappointed and let down and then they'd get depressed and the whole cycle would start over again. So not thinking about my life doesn't seem to be an option, even though this is a double negative. Which is what she said. And as Jimi said: I don't live today. Maybe tomorrow baby.
Here's another tip. Checking your Technorati "cosmos" doesn't help you not-to-think-about-your-life. Not one bit. So: more depression. It's fucking endless. It's despair is what it is, but since I'm trying not to be so negative, let's just call it insufficient joy. Yeah, that's it. It's not No Exit. It's Limited Egress. Because anyway, I went to Technorati (I am not only fucking depressed, I'm fucking bored), and found this piece by Andrew Goodman dated August 19 (this year of Our Lord) and titled Gonzo Blogging at Y! Search. I wondered what "Y!" meant for about five minutes. Then I got it. Oh. I guess it's like when people (not me) say: "I got an E from Kathi!" Where E = not MC2, but email. Or, loosely related (loosely, that is to say, joined): the fact that saying "dub-el-yew-dub-el-yew-dub-el-yew" takes nine syllables, but "world wide web" takes only three. I know I wouldn't think about shit like this if I weren't so fucking depressed. I just know it.
Where was I?
Oh yes. So this article by Andrew Goodman is on a site called Traffick, which I had never seen before, not giving a damn about traffic, myself, except to suggest that certain people go play in it. (btw, that was a classic hortatory subjunctive construction, for you non-native speakers and those of you playing along at home.) And I find these bits, though not necessarily in this order. They just make more sense in this order, OK?
The analysts over at JupiterMedia are trying to find a voice on their weblogs, but as "analysts," they need to be wary of being seen as "chatty," since after all, don't analysts buckle down and "analyze" for relatively princely sums? On these blogs we see a mix of terse bullet-point analysis and the use of adjectives like "crappy." Interesting, though far from the streams of profanity we used to get over at EGR.
I wonder what the cocksucker means by "used to get"? But since I'm trying to be less negative, I'll just say: WTF? And also:
...can the corporate blog live up to the high hopes expressed by people like Cluetrain Manifesto [96 used & new from $1.72] co-author (and author of an even more extreme version of the corporate-outreach argument, Gonzo Marketing [56 used & new from $0.35]) Chris Locke?
Then comes the recommendation:
Maybe a rule of thumb for blogging should be: check out EGR, see how that's done, and then pull it back a couple of notches.
Maybe I should try this myself. The only real question is how many notches I should pull it back. To not writing "cocksucker"? To not admitting that I took enough LSD to kill an entire Barnum & Bailey circus audience? To where I was before I became suicidally depressed at the idiocy that has replaced the once-human race? Or to the sad-ass psychological state I once found myself in, trying to not throw up when I said I worked for MCI and IBM?
Here's my advice: a) You can't go home again; b) Stick it in as far as you can; c) Break it off; d) Notch your belt.
But then, it seems as if maybe there's hope after all. Consider this bit from the same article:
While some believe that Microsoft can pull the rug out at any time, it's getting less credible to think this when so many of the best people work at Google and Yahoo!, and so many customers both love and respect these companies (whereas they merely respect Microsoft).
Oh yeah, I respect Microsoft, you bet. Let me tell you sometime how they fucked up my phone bill with their cocksucking MSN "service" to the point I got locked off the net because some dildo customer "service" cocksucker added a second account to my bill when I asked him to kill the one I had. For like the 37th time. But never mind all that.
Let us focus instead on that phrase "love and respect," which is linked to lovemarks.com, and which moreover, as you can see from their logo, has the tagline: "the future beyonds brands." In other words, brands that don't really seem like brands because you -- yes, YOU, THE EYEBALLS -- love them. Fuckin love em to death. Hmmm, where have I heard this sort of thing before? I scratch my head. Then I look down at the bottom of the page and see...
On the off chance that you don't already know -- like if you've been stranded in Antarctica for the last 40 years -- Saatchi & Saatchi is an advertising agency. A big one. A hip one. Oh yeah. Why lovemarks even has a Community! Can you beat that shit? And you -- -- yes, YOU, THE EYEBALLS -- can even nominate and vote for your most beloved not-really-trademarks. Which is to say: "lovemarks." Goddam! Is this big fun or what?
So naturally, I made clocke nominate me. I threatened him with the merciless superego lash again. One little flick of the whip is all it takes these days. So I took control of his carpals and metacarpals and made him type...
RageBoy® literally changed my life. Before he came around, the Internet was boring and gray. Then one day this strange character appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly the web began to glow, sort of like that scene at the end of Repo Man where Oscar and the Plate-O-Shrimp guy get into the radioactive Malibu and take off over Los Angeles. It's true that RageBoy® is a bit deranged, but that's just because he's been trapped on this planet for so long. RageBoy® has inspired love and confidence among many, including recent alien abductees and senior vice presidents of marketing. He has many passionate followers who value his discerning sense of fine art and use of colorful language. Among net cognoscenti, he is widely sought after for his online business acumen and deep grasp of personal finance. Plus, he's so accessible, I almost feel I know him.
So listen, if they lose their minds over there at lovebites (and you bite too) or whateverthefuck it's called, and they put up my glowing testimonial to myself, I don't have to tell you -- especially this year -- how important it is for each and every one of you to get out there and