A long time ago, I applied to get in on the google AdWords gravy train. Sure, I'm as much a whore as the next gal (trying to avoid sexism here, but "person" sounds so sterile) and I figured it'd beat being reduced to outright begging. As I have since been reduced, as you are no doubt painfully aware, to outright begging...

...you can infer from this that google turned me down flat. Imagine! Me! They said my blog didn't qualify, didn't measure up. The goddam cocksucking motherfuckers! But I waited, I'm a patient gal (trying to avoid sterility here, but "guy" sounds so sexist) and I figured I'd reapply after a reasonable "cooling off" period. These cheap-ass pre-IPO databases are so stupid, I assumed the normal bit-rot would give me another shot. So I tried it again just now, and got this...

AdSense

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Account Not Active
An AdSense account does not exist for this login, as it is associated with an unapproved application. For more information about your application, please review the message we sent to the email address you provided with your application.

So I guess that's pretty much that. Of course, I lost the aforementioned "message we sent" about 40 million spams back, so I couldn't remember why my sweet little blog, my labor of love, my bright star in a sea of noxious human excrement had been turned down so summarily, so heartlessly. Therefore, I decided to reread the Google AdSense Program Policies page, where I found the following. I have checked those items I suppose I need to work on...

Site Content
Site may not include:

• Excessive profanity goddam cocksucking motherfuckers!

• Hate, violence, racial intolerance, or advocate [sic] against any individual, group, or organization I fucking hate these goddam cocksucking illiterate white lawyer motherfuckers!

• Hacking/cracking content motherfucking encrypted PDF! anybody got a crack?

• Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia motherfucking google adsense! anybody got a crack pipe?

• Pornography, adult, or mature content swan.html !

• Gambling or casino-related content

• Any other content that promotes illegal activity or infringes on the legal rights of others email us for dyn-o-mite prices on hi-grade weaponized smallpox!

• Excessive advertising did we mention our hi-grade weaponized smallpox?

• Pop-ups, pop-unders or exit windows that interfere with site navigation, obscure AdWords ads, change user preferences, or are for downloads. Other types of pop-ups, pop-unders, or exit windows may be allowed, provided that they do not exceed a combined total of 5 per user session

• Deceptive or manipulative content or construction to improve your site's search engine ranking, e.g., your site's PageRank allthewords.html ! [be sure to page to the bottom]

I despair of ever bringing this blog into compliance with these stringent requirements (leaving aside for a moment their chilling effect on goddam free motherfucking speech; given high enough monetization potential, I could talk nice and look the other way; as so many have).

But then I just had this brilliant idea. OK, or harebrained idea. (And btw, for all you lawyers out there, it is "harebrained" (as in the small brain of a hare) not "hairbrained," for christ sake!)

Anyhow, the idea is this: YOU could advertise here. YOU don't mind the occasional bit of gutter patois or the odd snatch of wide open beaver. Right? I mean, am I right, Dude?

If you're interested, make me an offer. Or we could barter. For instance, right now I'm in the market for a nice wooly tender loving sheep.

And don't forget: we have enough hi-grade weaponized smallpox to meet all your doomsday scenario needs!