Gonzo Marketing:Winning Through Worst Practices The Bombast Transcripts: Rants and Screeds of RageBoy
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Saturday, June 21, 2003
A Painless Guide to Severe Mental Disorders
I realize I've used a lot of psychoanalytic acronyms and jargon here recently, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD). Not only is it hard to remember what the acronyms mean, but the meanings themselves are opaque to normal people like you and me. Worse, to have any hope of understanding what these terms refer to requires access to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), which is not only very expensive, but requires a powerful forklift to even open. I have therefore decided to redefine these designations in more everyday language. The first two are best explained by example.


    2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2...what? Can I have a baby elephant now? Can we go to McDonald's? Can I kill you? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

    As you can easily guess, individuals afflicted with this disorder just don't know when it is appropriate to scream -- or to stop screaming. Why they are screaming in the first place has not been determined. Lots of drugs are indicated. Such treatment generally gets these "difficult cases" to shut the fuck up so the rest of us can get on with our business.

    Individuals with Bad Person Disorder were usually told as very young children that they were Bad Persons. Of course, they really weren't Bad Persons, but they cannot accept this. Therefore, they have delusions that everyone is against them, and think and behave as if they really were Bad Persons. This is extremely annoying, so it is understandable that other people tell them they are being such assholes. "Fuck off, you bad person," these other people often exclaim. "Why do you always have to be so negative?" Whereupon the BPD usually flies into an inappropriate homicidal rage, often ax-murdering those who have thus unwittingly reinforced the BPD's self-perception as a Bad Person. Largely because of these unprovoked murders, many mental health professionals consider BPDs to be genuinely Bad Persons. Of course, when they deliver this assessment to true BPDs, they are summarily killed. Prognosis for recovery is generally thought to be poor -- as is the usual case with death.

    Strictly speaking, Nice Person Disorder is not really a disorder at all, as these individuals are perfectly nice ("perfectly" being the operational term). However, they do tend to attract a disproportionate number of Bad Persons who have convinced themselves that they are in love with the Nice Person. This is clearly delusional behavior, as these Bad Persons seem unable to live alone in damp caves for long periods of time without food, light or warmth, and are therefore incapable of mature adult love relationships. Sad really. And the Nice Person really does care. But there's nothing, really, that she can do about that. Unfortunately, if she expresses these sentiments to the BPD, she is at severe risk of being ax-murdered, which the BPD -- being essentially empathic -- makes abundantly clear to her. Therefore, once again, the Bad Person really is bad, and the Nice Person is... well, perfect -- though often has a shorter life expectancy than those a bit less "nice."

I hope this helps to unpack what are otherwise some rather thorny psychoanalytic issues.


12:28 PM | link |

"Why Boulder Sucks More than any Place I've ever Lived, Including Syracuse"

So there I was yesterday searching Google for the phrase "Boulder sucks." Good old Google, it always delivers! It seems there's this person named Cornelia who vents lots of her opinions on epinions. Why have I never met this woman? Why have we not been happily married all these years? Why is fate so fucking cruel? Especially given that her present husband (hereinafter "The Interloper") calls her "a lighting rod for entropy in the universe." The way I look at it is -- as usual, as you know -- a glass-half-full kinda thing. Regarding fate's cruelty, that is. Because Cornelia, baby, you have just downloaded the mother of all lightning bolts: the far-famed entropy gradient reversal of borderline-love-at-first-read. You rock, Sweetie. Be my valentine!

And so, without further ado, here are a few choice words from Cornelia on what currently serves, for better or worse (take a wild guess) as my, uh... let's call it "base of operations."

  • Boulder is a town, after all, where it takes at least five minutes for the people in the car in front of you to realize that the traffic light has turned green and that this is the international sign to commence driving.

  • ...let�s just say that this is the only town in America where the majority of citizens are so egregiously, wantonly, shockingly hellbent on becoming completely whiffle-headed nincompoops that the most famous murder in the nation will go unsolved...

  • Add to the general voluntary lowering of the mental bar the near-complete lack of moral fiber of this place, and you have Charles Manson�s idea of the ideal suburb. God forbid you should eat tofu here made from soybeans which were in any way inconvenienced during harvest...

  • My foster sister, who lived with us here for a year, witnessed the defining moment of our sojourn: two white kids with dreadlocks double-park a brand-new red Saab with ski-racks, exit the car, and begin panhandling on the main drag downtown.

  • ...as for that Coors slogan about how "It�s the Water," well, put it this way, upstream from Boulder they use bottled water to wash their cars, as the tap stuff will strip the paint right off your Range Rover.

  • The wife of my husband's former boss, in fact, asked us if we had considered Chinese magnet therapy, when told that our daughter had been diagnosed with autism. Oh, did I mention the fact that this woman sells therapeutic Chinese magnets?

  • Still, if you'd like to die young while struggling to read Ski Magazine among several thousand of the lamest, most malodorous people on the continent, Boulder is your kind of place. Just don't tell them I sent you -- they think I'm mean.

  • Recommended

Her epinions profile is no less amusing. Here are some highlights:

  • ...my all-time favorite bit of writing was the jacket copy for a bootleg Dylan cassette in Hong Kong, which listed "Bowling in the Wind" as the first cut on side A.

  • ...my sister's gustatory philosophy... is that "there are two kinds of food in the world: food that's good, and food that needs more salt."

  • ...when I grow up, I want to be a short, rotund, witty, and balding British Prime Minister in the 1940s

And don't miss the bit about Glenn Gould and the Tralfamadorians. The Interloper is hereby put on notice. I'm coming to abduct your wife, Dude. Yeah, for medical experiments in my UFO.

11:07 AM | link |

New Age Journal Changes Name

11:06 AM | link |

Go on a Vision Quest® ... With Eminem!!!

"We emphasize the authentic experience of the individual. We must face ourselves and learn to live from our strengths rather then our wounds. We must find our ground and determine our place, whether alone, in relationship, or in community. We are called to find our 'medicine,' our unique path to wholeness; to find our gift and give it to 'our people.' We assist individuals to claim their own authenticity and authority; to define their own myths; to face their own pain and monsters; to make their own decisions; to determine their own meanings and success; to heal themselves."

11:05 AM | link |

WOW! GIANT New Age Wholesale Directory!!!

Over 1200 Metaphysical Distributors,
Wholesalers, Dropshippers & Publishers.

... aromatherapy products, pendulums, crystals & gemstones, crystal wands, crystal balls & stands, pyramids, candles, herbs, essential oils, bath salts, tarot decks, incense, incense holders, Hindu & Egyptian statuary, talismans, runes, Wiccan & Pagan supplies, tuning forks, chakra crystal bowls, chalices, dowsing tools, yoga supplies, Native American products, reflexology cards, flower essences, Celtic items, medicine bags, magnets, pendants, mythical & fairy handblown glass figurines, charms, wind chimes, environmental gifts, dream pillows, smudge pots [???], ceremonial cauldrons, rare minerals, oil lamps, natural healing remedies, astrological jewelry, Tibetan singing bowls, prayer wheels, prayer flags & banners, altars, Buddhist amulets, feng shui products ... and so much more! Literally thousands upon thousands of unique, hard-to-find items that will keep your customers coming back for more!

11:02 AM | link |

Goose: The Raw and the Cooked

Please look for my new book of recipes, on sale in better bookstores everywhere.

Bon Apetit!
Chez Claude
Tristes Tropiques

10:59 AM | link |

Monday, June 16, 2003
Circle Jerk

Sacred Circles shows us how we can use a group to explore our narcissistic relationship to the sacred, and honor the divine in our teensy little flea-bitten egos. The authors, drawing from their own hallucinatory experiences as well as those of many delusional groups around the country, share the model they've pretty much pulled out of a hat, while offering self-important advice on how and why these groups work. (Hint: a level of superstition not seen since the Middle Ages.) They propose circle-jerk basics, such as pretending to listen without an agenda and rotating pyramid beanies. They also offer reflections on the power of personal storytel... lying, as well as thoughts on colonizing the psyche and reinventing an otherwise lackluster reality. Women longing for surefire feminine power trips in which to spiritually indulge themselves will find plenty here.

3:07 PM | link |

"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
~D. Weinberger
28 October 2004

Chris Locke's photos More of Chris Locke's photos

Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of. I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos." It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.

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