Actually, I've spent some time in the "world where love and power walk hand in hand," and frankly, you can keep it. What I want to know is: what's the attraction of Ghost Ranch for these shaman chicks? They all seem to end up there sooner or later. Maybe it's like some New Age elephant graveyard. But that's cool. I always did want to meet a "shaman" who looked like Dolly Parton, only more airbrushed. And crows too! What's up with that?

"20 year ago, Lynn [Andrews] discovered a sacred gateway into a world of magic and mystery. Then her words created a pathway for us to follow, providing an extrodinary [sic] experience of native spirituality, the feminine aspect of power and the honoring of all life as sacred. Once again this visionary teacher beckons us to enter into the next gateway. And to live in a world where love and power walk hand in hand."

Continuing Education Program Annual Gathering Ghost Ranch, New Mexico September 5 - 9, 2003

"AM I LOSING MY MIND?"
People afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are subject to such violent and frightening flights of grandiosity that those unfortunate enough to fall in love with one often fear for their sanity. Narcissists can be nice as pie one moment, cold and hostile the next. There are an estimated 187.34 million sufferers of NPD living in America today -- each displaying remarkably similar symptoms:

• a laughably overvalued sense of self worth
• sudden violent bank withdrawals
• oversensitivity to real or imagined EGR sends
• brief turbulent "love" affairs
• frequent periods of intense hauteur
• a pathological attraction to cosmetics
• an irrational fear of intimacy and an
• inability to give a shit

For years NPDs were difficult to describe, diagnose, and get away from. But now, for the first time, Dr. Rage J. Boy offers much-needed professional advice, helping victims to understand and cope with this troubling and shockingly widespread affliction. The second edition includes a new chapter on how to correctly sharpen the wooden stake.

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That's it. I give up. Try reading the (publiser's) Book Description of The Secret Language of Signs: How to Interpret the Coincidences and Symbols in Your Life. And don't miss the Top-100 reader-reviewer who gives it five stars and writes: "Over 200 pages that come in handy if you have a dream you can't make sense of, or see something that looks/feels like an omen..." As Selene likes to say, "OK then!" For a much needed whiff of oxygenated sanity, check out the Library Journal review. Ingram, however, thinks it's just great!

"A powerful new guide to understanding coincidences and premonitions in our lives by the acclaimed author of Sacred Space. In this truly mind-opening book, renowned healer and author Denise Linn shows that coincidence and the premonitions we've all experienced are never accidents, but a kindly universe's way of trying to nudge us in the right direction."

Whores.

...and (as Zappa and the Mothers were wont to aver) the chances are good... that the vegetable will respond to you.

I dunno, though. Some seem to have had better luck than myself in this area. My vegetables just sit there and don't do anything. Other than the occasional crow calligraphy, that is.

Apropos of that, actually, the following is lifted from One Spirit.com. Oooh, huh? It's a bookclub for New Agers, which I just joined so I could get lotsa that new-time religion without paying list and thus supporting the enemy. In fact, this is part of my recent research, and I'm doing all that I can to be fair and unbiased.

I was recently moved into a new office after the previous occupant had been "down-sized." What can I do to cleanse the space of any negative vibes? The following cleansing ritual is good for clearing a home or workplace of negative or stagnant energy. Begin at the doorway and move clockwise around the room. Take a pinch of undyed, natural salt or rock salt, and sprinkle it in the first corner, saying as you do so, "Clean and clear this corner be, from all that is not good for me." Repeat in all four corners, around the door frames, windows, and fireplace, in the same way. This ritual can be performed once a week. Before repeating the ritual, sweep up any old salt and take it outside your property boundary. Information adapted from Space Clearing: The Ancient Art of Purifying, Cleansing and Harmonizing Your Living Space, by Stella Martin.

OK, can I puke now? And maybe sprinkle some of that shit the scholl janitor used to put on it so he could sweep it up before everybody else started puking too. Click the headline above for a real outta site New Age laugh riot. I keep thinking this stuff must be some kind of joke, but I'm beginning to think These People really believe all this mystic hokum. I'll harmonize their fucking living space alright!

By the way, doesn't Deepak sound sorta like a rapper name?

I realize I've used a lot of psychoanalytic acronyms and jargon here recently, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD). Not only is it hard to remember what the acronyms mean, but the meanings themselves are opaque to normal people like you and me. Worse, to have any hope of understanding what these terms refer to requires access to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), which is not only very expensive, but requires a powerful forklift to even open. I have therefore decided to redefine these designations in more everyday language. The first two are best explained by example.

• ADD DUMB-DUMB! (ADD):
  2+2=5

• ADD DUMBFUCK-HYPER-DUMB! (ADHD):
  2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2...what? Can I have a baby elephant now? Can we go to McDonald's? Can I kill you? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

• POORLY TIMED SCREAMING DISORDER (PTSD):
  As you can easily guess, individuals afflicted with this disorder just don't know when it is appropriate to scream -- or to stop screaming. Why they are screaming in the first place has not been determined. Lots of drugs are indicated. Such treatment generally gets these "difficult cases" to shut the fuck up so the rest of us can get on with our business.

• BAD PERSON DISORDER (BPD):
  Individuals with Bad Person Disorder were usually told as very young children that they were Bad Persons. Of course, they really weren't Bad Persons, but they cannot accept this. Therefore, they have delusions that everyone is against them, and think and behave as if they really were Bad Persons. This is extremely annoying, so it is understandable that other people tell them they are being such assholes. "Fuck off, you bad person," these other people often exclaim. "Why do you always have to be so negative?" Whereupon the BPD usually flies into an inappropriate homicidal rage, often ax-murdering those who have thus unwittingly reinforced the BPD's self-perception as a Bad Person. Largely because of these unprovoked murders, many mental health professionals consider BPDs to be genuinely Bad Persons. Of course, when they deliver this assessment to true BPDs, they are summarily killed. Prognosis for recovery is generally thought to be poor -- as is the usual case with death.

• NICE PERSON DISORDER (NPD):
  Strictly speaking, Nice Person Disorder is not really a disorder at all, as these individuals are perfectly nice ("perfectly" being the operational term). However, they do tend to attract a disproportionate number of Bad Persons who have convinced themselves that they are in love with the Nice Person. This is clearly delusional behavior, as these Bad Persons seem unable to live alone in damp caves for long periods of time without food, light or warmth, and are therefore incapable of mature adult love relationships. Sad really. And the Nice Person really does care. But there's nothing, really, that she can do about that. Unfortunately, if she expresses these sentiments to the BPD, she is at severe risk of being ax-murdered, which the BPD -- being essentially empathic -- makes abundantly clear to her. Therefore, once again, the Bad Person really is bad, and the Nice Person is... well, perfect -- though often has a shorter life expectancy than those a bit less "nice."

I hope this helps to unpack what are otherwise some rather thorny psychoanalytic issues.

-RB

So there I was yesterday searching Google for the phrase "Boulder sucks." Good old Google, it always delivers! It seems there's this person named Cornelia who vents lots of her opinions on epinions. Why have I never met this woman? Why have we not been happily married all these years? Why is fate so fucking cruel? Especially given that her present husband (hereinafter "The Interloper") calls her "a lighting rod for entropy in the universe." The way I look at it is -- as usual, as you know -- a glass-half-full kinda thing. Regarding fate's cruelty, that is. Because Cornelia, baby, you have just downloaded the mother of all lightning bolts: the far-famed entropy gradient reversal of borderline-love-at-first-read. You rock, Sweetie. Be my valentine!

And so, without further ado, here are a few choice words from Cornelia on what currently serves, for better or worse (take a wild guess) as my, uh... let's call it "base of operations."

• Boulder is a town, after all, where it takes at least five minutes for the people in the car in front of you to realize that the traffic light has turned green and that this is the international sign to commence driving.

• ...let�s just say that this is the only town in America where the majority of citizens are so egregiously, wantonly, shockingly hellbent on becoming completely whiffle-headed nincompoops that the most famous murder in the nation will go unsolved...

• Add to the general voluntary lowering of the mental bar the near-complete lack of moral fiber of this place, and you have Charles Manson�s idea of the ideal suburb. God forbid you should eat tofu here made from soybeans which were in any way inconvenienced during harvest...

• My foster sister, who lived with us here for a year, witnessed the defining moment of our sojourn: two white kids with dreadlocks double-park a brand-new red Saab with ski-racks, exit the car, and begin panhandling on the main drag downtown.

• ...as for that Coors slogan about how "It�s the Water," well, put it this way, upstream from Boulder they use bottled water to wash their cars, as the tap stuff will strip the paint right off your Range Rover.

• The wife of my husband's former boss, in fact, asked us if we had considered Chinese magnet therapy, when told that our daughter had been diagnosed with autism. Oh, did I mention the fact that this woman sells therapeutic Chinese magnets?

• Still, if you'd like to die young while struggling to read Ski Magazine among several thousand of the lamest, most malodorous people on the continent, Boulder is your kind of place. Just don't tell them I sent you -- they think I'm mean.

• Recommended
  No

Her epinions profile is no less amusing. Here are some highlights:

• ...my all-time favorite bit of writing was the jacket copy for a bootleg Dylan cassette in Hong Kong, which listed "Bowling in the Wind" as the first cut on side A.

• ...my sister's gustatory philosophy... is that "there are two kinds of food in the world: food that's good, and food that needs more salt."

• ...when I grow up, I want to be a short, rotund, witty, and balding British Prime Minister in the 1940s

And don't miss the bit about Glenn Gould and the Tralfamadorians. The Interloper is hereby put on notice. I'm coming to abduct your wife, Dude. Yeah, for medical experiments in my UFO.

"We emphasize the authentic experience of the individual. We must face ourselves and learn to live from our strengths rather then our wounds. We must find our ground and determine our place, whether alone, in relationship, or in community. We are called to find our 'medicine,' our unique path to wholeness; to find our gift and give it to 'our people.' We assist individuals to claim their own authenticity and authority; to define their own myths; to face their own pain and monsters; to make their own decisions; to determine their own meanings and success; to heal themselves."

... aromatherapy products, pendulums, crystals & gemstones, crystal wands, crystal balls & stands, pyramids, candles, herbs, essential oils, bath salts, tarot decks, incense, incense holders, Hindu & Egyptian statuary, talismans, runes, Wiccan & Pagan supplies, tuning forks, chakra crystal bowls, chalices, dowsing tools, yoga supplies, Native American products, reflexology cards, flower essences, Celtic items, medicine bags, magnets, pendants, mythical & fairy handblown glass figurines, charms, wind chimes, environmental gifts, dream pillows, smudge pots [???], ceremonial cauldrons, rare minerals, oil lamps, natural healing remedies, astrological jewelry, Tibetan singing bowls, prayer wheels, prayer flags & banners, altars, Buddhist amulets, feng shui products ... and so much more! Literally thousands upon thousands of unique, hard-to-find items that will keep your customers coming back for more!

Please look for my new book of recipes, on sale in better bookstores everywhere.

Bon Apetit!
Chez Claude
Tristes Tropiques

Sacred Circles shows us how we can use a group to explore our narcissistic relationship to the sacred, and honor the divine in our teensy little flea-bitten egos. The authors, drawing from their own hallucinatory experiences as well as those of many delusional groups around the country, share the model they've pretty much pulled out of a hat, while offering self-important advice on how and why these groups work. (Hint: a level of superstition not seen since the Middle Ages.) They propose circle-jerk basics, such as pretending to listen without an agenda and rotating pyramid beanies. They also offer reflections on the power of personal storytel... lying, as well as thoughts on colonizing the psyche and reinventing an otherwise lackluster reality. Women longing for surefire feminine power trips in which to spiritually indulge themselves will find plenty here.

Well, shit. Just as I was feeling a little better about myself, salving my bruised self-esteem, some fucking reader (Paul Scheele, to be exact) has to send me a link to this Slate article -- What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? -- that says NPD is no defense for homicide. Among other things, it reports:

"As the disorder's name suggests, an NPD sufferer believes he or she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine telltale signs, including unrealistic fantasies of living a more glamorous life, a desperate craving for admiration, and a complete lack of empathy for others."

Just for the record, I want to make it perfectly clear that she never threatened to kill me.

Thanks to the many who have wondered where I've been, not least myself. In fact, I have exciting news to relate, though this can be but a preliminary report. The Truth is, I have been involved in extensive reading and research which has led to the founding (I am the Founder, OK?) of a new International University for the Phenomenological Hermeneutics of the Unconscious Cathexis of Kangaroos. Within six months, PHUCK U. will be an accredited degree-granting Institute at the level of Doctoral Studies.

While most elements of the PHUCK U. acronym instantiate to household vocabulary (to readers of EGR anyway), the Australian Aborigine term "Kangaroo" warrants some explication. Evidently, when Captain Cook and his Team first visited the island continent, they asked one of the natives, though an interpreter naturally, what those large-tailed jumping things were. The informant replied: kan-ga-roo. In the Aborigine tongue, or one variant, as there must have been several, one would think, kan-ga-roo means: "I don't know." Or, as we might say in more current parlance: "Search me."

As the need for a more globalized understanding of interpersonal relations has become ever more pressing -- to say the least, wouldn't you say? -- I am terribly excited... no, that sounds wrong, doesn't it? I am pleased to announce the establishment of an Institution... no, wait... of an Institute of Higher Learning that will be devoted entirely to answering the most critical questions of our time. Search Me? PHUCK U.

Like all great ideas, it was inevitable. In this crucial undertaking... no, let's say endeavor, I am merely the tool of manifest destiny. More will be revealed shortly. In the meantime, feel free to send your initial tuition deposit of $1,000 to:

RageBoy
760F West Moorhead Circle
Boulder, CO 80305

Thank you.