Gonzo Marketing:Winning Through Worst Practices The Bombast Transcripts: Rants and Screeds of RageBoy
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Saturday, June 21, 2003
"Why Boulder Sucks More than any Place I've ever Lived, Including Syracuse"

So there I was yesterday searching Google for the phrase "Boulder sucks." Good old Google, it always delivers! It seems there's this person named Cornelia who vents lots of her opinions on epinions. Why have I never met this woman? Why have we not been happily married all these years? Why is fate so fucking cruel? Especially given that her present husband (hereinafter "The Interloper") calls her "a lighting rod for entropy in the universe." The way I look at it is -- as usual, as you know -- a glass-half-full kinda thing. Regarding fate's cruelty, that is. Because Cornelia, baby, you have just downloaded the mother of all lightning bolts: the far-famed entropy gradient reversal of borderline-love-at-first-read. You rock, Sweetie. Be my valentine!

And so, without further ado, here are a few choice words from Cornelia on what currently serves, for better or worse (take a wild guess) as my, uh... let's call it "base of operations."

  • Boulder is a town, after all, where it takes at least five minutes for the people in the car in front of you to realize that the traffic light has turned green and that this is the international sign to commence driving.

  • ...let�s just say that this is the only town in America where the majority of citizens are so egregiously, wantonly, shockingly hellbent on becoming completely whiffle-headed nincompoops that the most famous murder in the nation will go unsolved...

  • Add to the general voluntary lowering of the mental bar the near-complete lack of moral fiber of this place, and you have Charles Manson�s idea of the ideal suburb. God forbid you should eat tofu here made from soybeans which were in any way inconvenienced during harvest...

  • My foster sister, who lived with us here for a year, witnessed the defining moment of our sojourn: two white kids with dreadlocks double-park a brand-new red Saab with ski-racks, exit the car, and begin panhandling on the main drag downtown.

  • ...as for that Coors slogan about how "It�s the Water," well, put it this way, upstream from Boulder they use bottled water to wash their cars, as the tap stuff will strip the paint right off your Range Rover.

  • The wife of my husband's former boss, in fact, asked us if we had considered Chinese magnet therapy, when told that our daughter had been diagnosed with autism. Oh, did I mention the fact that this woman sells therapeutic Chinese magnets?

  • Still, if you'd like to die young while struggling to read Ski Magazine among several thousand of the lamest, most malodorous people on the continent, Boulder is your kind of place. Just don't tell them I sent you -- they think I'm mean.

  • Recommended

Her epinions profile is no less amusing. Here are some highlights:

  • ...my all-time favorite bit of writing was the jacket copy for a bootleg Dylan cassette in Hong Kong, which listed "Bowling in the Wind" as the first cut on side A.

  • ...my sister's gustatory philosophy... is that "there are two kinds of food in the world: food that's good, and food that needs more salt."

  • ...when I grow up, I want to be a short, rotund, witty, and balding British Prime Minister in the 1940s

And don't miss the bit about Glenn Gould and the Tralfamadorians. The Interloper is hereby put on notice. I'm coming to abduct your wife, Dude. Yeah, for medical experiments in my UFO.

11:07 AM | link |

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"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
~D. Weinberger
28 October 2004

Chris Locke's photos More of Chris Locke's photos

Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of. I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos." It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.

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