Gonzo Marketing:Winning Through Worst Practices The Bombast Transcripts: Rants and Screeds of RageBoy
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Saturday, June 21, 2003
A Painless Guide to Severe Mental Disorders
I realize I've used a lot of psychoanalytic acronyms and jargon here recently, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD). Not only is it hard to remember what the acronyms mean, but the meanings themselves are opaque to normal people like you and me. Worse, to have any hope of understanding what these terms refer to requires access to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), which is not only very expensive, but requires a powerful forklift to even open. I have therefore decided to redefine these designations in more everyday language. The first two are best explained by example.

  • ADD DUMB-DUMB! (ADD):
    2+2=5

  • ADD DUMBFUCK-HYPER-DUMB! (ADHD):
    2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2...what? Can I have a baby elephant now? Can we go to McDonald's? Can I kill you? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

  • POORLY TIMED SCREAMING DISORDER (PTSD):
    As you can easily guess, individuals afflicted with this disorder just don't know when it is appropriate to scream -- or to stop screaming. Why they are screaming in the first place has not been determined. Lots of drugs are indicated. Such treatment generally gets these "difficult cases" to shut the fuck up so the rest of us can get on with our business.

  • BAD PERSON DISORDER (BPD):
    Individuals with Bad Person Disorder were usually told as very young children that they were Bad Persons. Of course, they really weren't Bad Persons, but they cannot accept this. Therefore, they have delusions that everyone is against them, and think and behave as if they really were Bad Persons. This is extremely annoying, so it is understandable that other people tell them they are being such assholes. "Fuck off, you bad person," these other people often exclaim. "Why do you always have to be so negative?" Whereupon the BPD usually flies into an inappropriate homicidal rage, often ax-murdering those who have thus unwittingly reinforced the BPD's self-perception as a Bad Person. Largely because of these unprovoked murders, many mental health professionals consider BPDs to be genuinely Bad Persons. Of course, when they deliver this assessment to true BPDs, they are summarily killed. Prognosis for recovery is generally thought to be poor -- as is the usual case with death.

  • NICE PERSON DISORDER (NPD):
    Strictly speaking, Nice Person Disorder is not really a disorder at all, as these individuals are perfectly nice ("perfectly" being the operational term). However, they do tend to attract a disproportionate number of Bad Persons who have convinced themselves that they are in love with the Nice Person. This is clearly delusional behavior, as these Bad Persons seem unable to live alone in damp caves for long periods of time without food, light or warmth, and are therefore incapable of mature adult love relationships. Sad really. And the Nice Person really does care. But there's nothing, really, that she can do about that. Unfortunately, if she expresses these sentiments to the BPD, she is at severe risk of being ax-murdered, which the BPD -- being essentially empathic -- makes abundantly clear to her. Therefore, once again, the Bad Person really is bad, and the Nice Person is... well, perfect -- though often has a shorter life expectancy than those a bit less "nice."

I hope this helps to unpack what are otherwise some rather thorny psychoanalytic issues.

-RB


12:28 PM | link |



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"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
~D. Weinberger
28 October 2004

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