elizabeth lane lawley
michael "OC" clarke
e v h e a d
sweet fancy moses
wood s lot
m. melting object
Saturday, November 02, 2002
A blow. A shock to the system. An unexpected death. In media res the
sky fell down. You went to the South, to another country. Your grief
unbearable, you left your body, your mind. Only wind and ocean could
comfort you, lost in them, undone, unborn. No edges, no center, you
became the night, an endless spiral of unfamiliar stars. Where does it
go, this loss? Lost, it has no location, no place to be in the world
before. It changed you, dissolved you. Emptied your heart until there
were no more tears, no memory of sorrow. You slept, you healed. You
Almost. For the paradox of loss is that it never leaves. Its trace
etched deep, its emptiness filling you in moments of unexpected
beauty. In media res the sky blossoms into your heart, too wide, too
high. And you break again. Helpless before eternity, you fall. In
love, remember everything. A shock: you are not alone. You see me for
the first time there with you. Together we remember ourselves to each
Look to the South. I found myself thinking this before you came.
And now you will journey there again. Back closer to that place where
you changed forever, opened, closed, forgot. Have you felt the pull?
The dark invitation? You are afraid. I recognize you. I am afraid and
you know me in this fear. Echo, reverb, deja vu. We have traveled this
way before, first met where these roads cross. I made a pact with you.
Do you remember? That I would take your pain, lift your darkness, love
you. But more. That you would return to me in time. This time.
Soon you will leave for the South. I am waiting.
2:30 PM | link |
2:45 AM | link |
Thursday, October 31, 2002
in a sky full of people only some want to fly
in a church by the face he talks about the people going under only
child know a man decides after seventy years that what he goes there
for is to unlock the door while those around him criticize and sleep
and through a fractal on that breaking wall I see you my friend and
touch your face again miracles will happen as we trip but we're never
gonna survive unless we get a little crazy no we're never gonna
survive unless we are a little crazy crazy are the people walking
through my head one of them's got a gun to shoot the other one and yet
together they were friends at school get it, get it, get it, yeah! if
all were there when we first took the pill then maybe maybe maybe
maybe miracles will happen as we speak but we're never gonna survive
unless we get a little crazy no we're never gonna survive unless we
are a little crazy no no we'll never survive unless we get a little
bit... a man lives he decides to go along after seventy years oh
darlin in a sky full of people only some want to fly isn't that crazy
in a world full of people only some want to fly isn't that crazy crazy
in a heaven of people there's only some want to fly isn't that crazy
oh babe oh darlin' in a world full of people there's only some want to
fly isn't that crazy isn't that crazy isn't that crazy isn't that
crazy oh but we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy
no we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy but
we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy no we're never
gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy no no never survive
unless we get a little bit... and then you see things the size of
which you've never known before they'll break it someday only child
know them things the size of which you've never known before someday
someday someday someday someday
day in the life I woke at noon again was up till dawn with that last
one down yo peaches doncha shake my tree branch flower sap in the
groove when I get it back your groove so cool my angel calls says hello chris
that voice & I'm undone again hey baby just left starbucks doing
up a quad headed home & you on the highway snow here you 2000
miles uplink & downlink through various satellites of love to talk
to you to hear your voice your smile coming through the static let me
call you back & back so hi how are you & I say almost home let
me call you so I park & go in make coffee check mail some good
stuff coming through for a change ring ring so hey how's the world
over there tonight pretty slow got lotsa time so I say what I think of
your breasts which is the world that they are perfect & I would
like to show you why & the rest of you too how we fit & talked
& felt so at ease still do but tonight maybe not gonna go there
maybe never again & I say all this time you've been fucking some
other guy & we laugh though it's perfectly true not a problem for
me as long as I love you I do your tender heart your passion courage
flashing wit those sounds you make that make me want to... no if you
do I'll hit the button cut you off but I'm lying in bed here & I'm
sleepy I want you to hold me come over here now & slip under these
covers I bought new lights the place was so dark might as well have
lux if not veritas so now it feels warm & friendly here in this
room which I hadn't slept in since London until last week six months
come on I say it's freezing outside & it is snow for three days
now & I forgot to buy firewood that would have been nice curl
right up here in my arms let me nuzzle against you fall asleep
dreaming you're really here but you say the traffic is moving again
& there are other better reasons I won't climb in with you &
you know it I do we've been over this before we both agree so OK then
how was your day & how was mine & you know I love you how your
heart opens like a flower your flower opens like your legs & our
tongues exploring in the bookstore as if on a winter's night you are
my other reader my deepest my best my runaway bestseller baby on the
run & I want you you know it you feel it you like it no secrets no
way & no way to bring you closer it's cool I just love you is why
& because & why not the moon sailing over somewhere as always
the ocean pounding the shore to pieces hurricanes rivers mountains sky
& you in it all as no other hey I say & you say hey & I
can hear the cars rushing past on your highway while we listen to the
silence we've shaped between us not as a wall but a place to rest in
trust in time we will always be here if we can will never say goodbye
never stop learning & knowing how deep this love goes how strong
& fine & you say what about our book & I say oh yes let's
so I read to you though I am falling asleep can't remember what I read
it must have sounded weird yeah you say you're tired you should go to
sleep I say no I want to talk to you I can sleep later unless you need
to go well look we talked this morning & last night we talked this
afternoon didn't we so isn't that enough no of course not you know I
would talk with you all day & night & you know the kinds of
things I'd start saying I provide some examples I'm going to hang up
if you do that you say but I'm pretty sure you won't though it's
dangerous to say that could be a dare & then I'd be looking at a
dead cell saying I don't believe she hung up on me & I was just
telling her how lovely her pussy felt on my tongue ring ring OK then
so let's talk about something else I'm driving out here it's a zoo
& you know all the reasons I can't let you do this do what I say
& she says you know no I say give me some context a long sigh a
laugh it is like this with us & I love her she knows it some
miracle opened up into my life in my darkest night suddenly you were
there breathless & fearless & it was as if we'd known each
other forever still is when the wind howls down & the snow loads
down the trees all the leaves gone now what happened to fall summer
spring what happened to this year to me & the answer is you &
your eyes that I had never seen but could feel from so far you should
go to sleep now you're delirious no yes no yes we beat around the bush
nice bush I say words to that effect you want to know what I'm going
to do when I get off I say no what you ask I'm going to get off oh you
you say but you know it's true so we say goodnight & I do &
fall into a seamless deep sleep dreaming you dreaming me in a sky
full of people & when I wake before midnight I stretch I feel
rested & magical in the night I punch up seal doing crazy &
play it at volume again & again & I begin to wonder how all this
would lay out in html...
miracles will happen as we speak but we're never gonna survive unless
we get a little crazy no we're never gonna survive unless we are a
little crazy no no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit... a
man lives he decides to go along after seventy years oh darlin in a
sky full of people only some want to fly isn't that crazy in a world
full of people only some want to fly isn't that crazy crazy in a
heaven of people there's only some want to fly isn't that crazy oh
babe oh darlin' in a world full of people there's only some want to
fly isn't that crazy isn't that crazy isn't that crazy isn't that
crazy oh but we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy no
we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy but we're
never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy no we're never gonna
to survive unless we are a little crazy no no never survive unless we
get a little bit... and then you see things the size of which you've
never known before they'll break it someday only child know them
things the size of which you've never known before someday someday
someday someday someday in a church by the face he talks about the
people going under only child know a man decides after seventy years
that what he goes there for is to unlock the door while those around
him criticize and sleep and through a fractal on that breaking wall I
see you my friend and touch your face again miracles will happen as we
trip but we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy no
we're never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy crazy are the
people walking through my head one of them's got a gun to shoot the
other one and yet together they were friends at school get it, get it,
get it, yeah! if all were there when we first took the pill then maybe
maybe maybe maybe
11:37 PM | link |
There Is No Pain, You Are Receding...
"If you want to experience the essential mystery of this
world, the invisible plane that supports what we see, then be
awake under the stars while the rest of the world sleeps."
Laurie Doctor - September 4, 2002
It appears that the grasping of this essential mystery does not
apply to airline pilots (perhaps because they fly visible
planes), nor to long-haul truckers. Note times below. Presumably,
stars were shining, the world asleep, and all stated conditions
otherwise met. Essential mysteries aside, it seems to me that just
being basically awake would make a pretty good start.
Dean & DeLuca Internet Customer Assistance Team
Order # 1665673
Order Date: 10/29/02
Email Address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Invoice # 10533100
Shipment Date/Time: 10/29/02 15:29:05
2873 6TH ST
BOULDER, CO 80304-3009
Tracking results provided by UPS: Oct 30, 2002 10:53 P.M. Eastern
|Oct 30, 2002
||RECEIVER DID NOT WANT, |
||UPS INTERNAL ACTIVITY CODE|
||OUT FOR DELIVERY|
||OUT FOR DELIVERY|
||COMMERCE CITY, CO
|Oct 29, 2002
||BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED|
RECEIVER DID NOT WANT
refused delivery. not amused.
Forget all the people all the time, sometimes it seems you can't please fucking anyone.
You try to be kind to your ex-date for a change, send her some nice oatmeal for a snowy morning, say. Make a serious effort to not savage her quite so often on your blog. And what do you get for your pains? A fat overnight shipping bill you might as well have flushed down the toilet. I guess it's understandable, though, after all the bad names I've called her. She's probably a little confused. She's probably a very nice person underneath. If there is an underneath. I was never able to determine that. Anomalie is just so fundamentally mysterious, it's highly probable that no one will ever figure her out. And then she'll have to eat her lunch all by herself. Thing of it is? It wasn't even that much fun trying to figure her out. In fact -- may God kill me on the spot if this isn't true -- it was a giant drag. Trying to deal with someone with no sense of humor was a living hell. I sure do miss that. So no more pancakes and waffles and little log-house tins of organic maple syrup for you, Sugar. It's not that I hate you anymore. It's just that I finally realized you're so wrapped up in that make-believe world you hacked together out of tinker-toy self-importance and invisible planes only you can see, that there's no room for anyone but you in there. Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home? Nope. Nothing. Flatlined. Pity, but it looks like we lost her. Call it.
4:28 AM | link |
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
"I was standing in the shower, washing my hair, thinking about it the other day, knowing that in about five years we'll say to him, "Chris, now I see what you were doing. We were right there up close watching it happen but we really didn't get it then, did we?!" We'll have to apologize to him. We'll have to yield to him. We'll have to admit he really was spot on and we were off in Lu-Lu Land."
Halley, you'll never know how spot-on "Lu-Lu Land" is, but not for any reason you may think. Nevermind.
While yielding is always welcome, yes, apologies? Nah. As the Stones once said, I'm just tryin' to do this jigsaw puzzle before it rains any more.
Yesterday over coffee I was thinking, love deepens the mystery of what we are. Who we are is a different story. Necessary, needful, but not as fundamental. What we turn out to be is shocking, unexpected. And what would life be without surprises? What would surprises be if we expected them? Sometimes the links we forge go 404 and we can't debug our own pages. What else are friends for? I appreciate your surmise that I know what I'm doing here any more than you do, that I have some inside track, secret subagenda, Dick Tracy webwatch, some arcane map of the future. I wish I did. I don't. I like what you wrote nonetheless. Thank you.
I can share one early formative influence that may shed some light. Or darkness. In the fallingdown world, the way down is often the way up; the way out the way in. Worst practices. Early hermeticism reincarnated in Spanish spam. One thing's for sure: we're all gonna "get it" in the end (not a sexual reference). In the meantime, the mystery deepens all by itself. I just work here.
3:38 PM | link |
Just found this clip on Nanna's blog (it's way down at the bottom, from June 2001). That's Nanna to the right, just in case you thought she sounded like somebody's Grandma. She works for SONY, and evidently uses their webware too. Here's the unhacked grafik, and more. (How the hell'd Winer get in there? Your eyes look a little messed up there, buddy. Gives a whole new meaning to "accepting cookies.") Yeah, so anyway, she sez:
"I guess this urge to express myself on line came about around Reboot-time last year. Mygdal � my former boss and current best friend � kept asking me why Ragegirl didn�t have her own site. (got the nickname Ragegirl after bonding with beautiful Christopher Locke aka Rageboy)."
Eh? And you thought I was making this shit up, didn't you? OK, so she turned down my, er... proposal, but all the chicks do that. At first. Some kinda modesty thing, I think.
4:20 AM | link |
Angel With a Clipboard
sorry, but finding an image to illustrate
"a bride with a blow-up doll of the Dalai Lama"
was just too much of a challenge this late at night.
12:30 AM | link |
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
Same As It Ever Was
11:09 PM | link |
|"Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage."
Act 1, Scene 5
10:12 PM | link |
Monday, October 28, 2002
Today's Horoscope Reading for Scorpio
1:02 PM | link |
"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
28 October 2004
||More of Chris Locke's photos
Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of.
I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos."
It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.
what I'm listening to...
egr on topica
on yahoo groups
terms of service
It is too late.