Gonzo Marketing:Winning Through Worst Practices The Bombast Transcripts: Rants and Screeds of RageBoy
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Monday, September 30, 2002
What Do Women Really Want? Me.

Whenever an outrageous claim is kited, you know there'll be a survey to follow up. Here we asked a random sampling of women bloggers what they thought about RageBoy's brag that he is the "Babe Magnet of Blogdom." The results were unsurprising.
I dream of RageBoy every night. He's so hot. I cream just browsing EGR. Listen to this... "the power of business is based on a bad metaphor: incorporation. It means: to become flesh. And pretty clearly, companies don't do that. Therefore, corporations have no heart, I say. I get blank stares. No, I don't mean how much your company gave to the fucking United Way or fucking Save the Children. I mean literally. Here, try this, I say: corporations have no sex. No balls. They've never gotten laid. Never fallen in love." Oooo, I think I need a pee break.
Razhe Boy ees not like zee men in my country, who are so fool of eet I would like to puké. He ees zee real existentialist, not zees pees of shit poseurs we have in Paree. I want to have ees child.
If elected, I will put an end to this prurient filth we are seeing today on the Internet, especially from these self-styled "web loggers." The worst offender in my view is a man, if we can call him that, who calls himself "RageBoy." He is nothing more than a psychologically arrested adolescent with serious mental problems. However, personally speaking, I do want to have sexual relations with him.
Are you kidding? RB is a trip! When he was down here last time, we got so messed up on ayahuasca I couldn't find my goats for a week. He understands about how things are, not like those clueless gringos who only pretend to help. He's is more like us. He doesn't give a shit. I don't know how he gets so many girls, but he is definitely a motherfucker in that department, oh yes.
That RageBoy come round here again, he gonna get a faceful a hominy. He a bastard, just like all these kids he leave me with. The man jes no damn good. Fuck him. He come back, thas precisely what I gonna do, too.
Oh RageBoy, yes. He rings my bell bigtime. He's so cyberspacious, you know what I mean? And so, I dunno, smart and all. I don't really understand that stuff he writes, but who cares! When he gets me in the back seat of his '55 Impala, all I can think of is when I was a Candystriper at St. Luke's and me and these guys I knew used to ride around and around in those big dryers. Wheeee!
Aesthetically, he is very sensitive. Very attuned, I would have to say. At times, he comes across as the worst sort of philistine yahoo, but this is a carefully maintained pose. In bed, he has the feel of a Stradivarius and the touch of a Yo-Yo Ma. I never meant to get seriously involved with him, but he does have a way of sneaking up on you. When we first met, he told me how deeply he was moved by Beethoven's later quartets. After that, things seemed to go all haywire for me. But no, I have no regrets.
Yo, girlfriend, you believe what this honky motherfucker is saying here? There gotta be some kinda law against that shit, don't there? Have to admit, though, he do have kind of a cute butt. You see a telephone number on that blog anywhere?
I am very worried about the RageBoy. Is he taking the bad drugs again? Is he messing with the women? He has no sense about the women. He gets himself in trouble every time. One day, I think the policia will catch him and then it will not go well. He is a good boy, but he has no intelligence. He is kind, but a fool. I like him anyway, though, and have hidden him on several occasions.
My productivity is up up up after just a few rolls in the hay with RB. My PowerPoints are all pointy. My flow charts are flowing. My pie charts are all busted cherry. My manager says I've never been so on the ball. Little does he know! Fortunately. True, RB's not very deep, but he sure knows how to get a girl going. I have a meeting right now, but I could tell you more later.
Oh yah, dat RagerBoy be so much fun! I love him all the time he come around here. The children love him too because he is always laughing. I tink maybe crazy. But I tell those kids get out of here, shoo! Me and Mr. Boy got some business to conduc. He know about that, jah love he do. I wish he wouldn't go away so soon, but he say he got this "blog" something, and some clients. Prob'ly he lying. But that boy make me very happy, yes. You see dis smile on my face. Where you tink dat come from?
RageBoy has been very good to my family, especially our young daughter. He takes her to the Europe one time and buy her many things. When she return, she was so happy but also crying tears because he must go to "EGR HQ" in "Yucatan Pennisula." He write these things for my husband, and give him a good watch and a new wheelbarrow from Poland. He say it once belong to Marek J, so take good care of it. The little one is having her baby now, so I must go.
He is the fire of my loins, the light of my eyes, the cool of evening after the long day, the gushing spring in the desert's thirst. It is simple. I am a woman. I would kill for this man.
RageBoy? I really can't talk about it. Well, maybe just a little. On the other hand, maybe I better not. Some girls get upset when they find out we're together. How can anyone can be so petty? Just because he chose me, that's no reason to get all weepy. He said he was buying me a Porshe. If you see him, tell him Mina says hi and hurry back!
If that asshole comes back to my village, I will chop his dick off. I will be proud to hang the dick of RageBoy outside my tent. You see this child mutilating my tit? He is number 23. I don't know why I let him in when he comes here stinking drunk and reeking of the bad drugs. He promised me he was going into rehab, but of course he was only lying again. That is why I always carrry this large knife today. Let him come. This time he will be sorry. I love him, though, so I hope he is OK.
If you're asking would I fuck him, well, I guess the answer would have to be yes. If you're asking if I already did, I'd have to take the Fifth. I'll only say this: he's been running this two-for-one sale that's really hard to beat.
Minga! That fuckin RageBoy will be the death of me. He came here last month and now all the young girls are pregnant and none of them will confess to the priest. He is the devil in human form. He is pure evil. However, sometimes he can be generous. He brings me the green olive spumoni from Roma. Blessed by the Holy Father, he says. Of course he is lying, but it is a charming lie. If I were a little younger, may the Virgin forgive me, I suppose I would fuck him myself.
Why doesn't he ever turn his cell phone on? One of the top-50 business gurus, my ass. He doesn't know shit about technology! He leaves me out on this goddam beach, says he'll call. Oh yeah. Sure. And right after I got my hair done.
He loves me. He loves me not. He loves my Work. He loves my Work not. He loves my ravens. He loves my ravens not. He loves me. He loves me not...

Oh, fuck this!

I could crush him with one hand. His balls anyway, for what he did to me. I never thought I'd become a lesbian, but I'm not about to risk that again. And he seemed so sweet and harmless at first. Almost tender. Then the degrading things he made me do! "You want me to suck WHAT?" I'd say. But he'd just laugh, as if it was a big joke or something. I did come a lot, though. I sort of miss that part.
Let's see... now what's he saying? Oh, this is just too too good! Wait till I tell Brenda and Phillip. God how I love being first in our country club to read the latest EGR!
Intellectually, the man is a midget. Not to mention a shameless misogynist and a throwback racist. Nonetheless, he does seem to have captured a certain postmodern je ne sais quoi. Would I fuck him? Absolutely.
When RageBoy enters my meditations, I become full and moist. In fact, right now I'm so horny I could fuck a fire hydant. Oh Isis, please help me overcome these defilements! On second thought, please materialize RB in the ever-present present of your prescient presence. Maybe call in a fire alarm. I dunno. Something!
I would like to extend a very personal note of thanks to all the brave and wonderful women who participated in this important study.

12:32 AM | link |

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"RageBoy: Giving being fucking nuts a good name since 1985."
~D. Weinberger
28 October 2004

Chris Locke's photos More of Chris Locke's photos

Until a minute ago, I had no photos. I still have no photos to speak of. I don't even have a camera. But all these people were linking to "my photos." It was embarassing. It's still embarassing. But I'm used to that.

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