Much of our American progress has been the product of the individual
who had an idea; pursued it; fashioned it; tenaciously clung to it
against all odds; and then produced it, sold it, and profited from it.
Hubert H. Humphrey
There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake
of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion
come in -- that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do
it as beautifully as possible.
Attn: HR Director
707 17th Street, Suite 2850
Denver, CO 80202
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing in reply to your job posting at http://www.infobeat.com/static/cgi/static_merc.cgi?page=/jobs.html&refurl=www.infobeat.com/
Kee-reist, that's a long URL, don't you think? But anyway, in case you have forgotten, here is the material you put on your web site about the position I am applying for:VP Business Development:
Responsible for creating and managing partnerships, joint ventures and relationships with other Internet companies as part of InfoBeat subscriber acquisition and alliance programs.
- Strong analytical and financial modeling skills
- Experience in subscriber valuation, risk assessment, revenue sharing, etc.
- 2 - 5+ years Business or Corporate Development; high-tech or Internet background
- Significant negotiating and deal-making experience
- Management experience
First off, why the MBA? I think I would make a great VP Business Development even though I am not a member. What does basketball have to do with it?
Second off, let's talk about that risk assessment item. My assessment is this: risk is bad. Otherwise they wouldn't call it that, am I right? The implication is that something not so nice could happen to you if you take a risk, so simple: just don't do it! This is but one example of the analytical skills I would bring to the "party."
Now financial modelling could be another story. If this has anything to do with money, I have to level with you: it could be a weak area. Generally speaking, numbers are not my strong suit. For example, I am having a little trouble understanding how long "2 - 5+ years" is. More than two? More than five? Two takeaway five? Also, do you supply the modelling clay, or would I be expected to bring my own?
Actually, it was the bit about "subscriber valuation" that caught my eye as I was surfing around your -- I must say way-cool -- web pages. I value my own subscribers very highly, going so far as to always address them as Valued Subscribers so they'll be sure to know how I feel. Ask anyone. Of course, I also call them certain other things that I should probably not put into this letter if I want to "land" the job, but that is just kidding around. You know? Mostly.
As to deal-making experience, well hey, you're talking about a guy who could sell ice boxes to Eskimos -- just like the business you're in, in fact. I used to deal quite a bit back in the 1960s, though this was a different type of product line. Nonetheless, you can probably tell from my nickname -- "Good Weight" -- that my customers all thought I was pretty righteous. I would send you letters of recommendation except that most of them aren't out yet. Plus, they aren't allowed to have sharp instruments like pencils and stuff.
Another thing? I am really hot on this whole Internet deal! God, isn't it terrific? I'm on this one "list" they've got where you get different pictures every day. Some guys even put their old ladies on the thing, it's really amazing! But perhaps we should discuss my qualifications some more.
I have worked at CMP, Mecklermedia, MCI and IBM, and at all those places I was considered a "guru" with this "net" stuff. Nobody else seemed to know dick about it, which sort of surprised me. But who am I to complain, if you catch my drift. I've been working this for years, so I guess I'll do alright with you people unless you have like a test or something.
Most of my significant negotiating experience was in Tashkent, Uzbekistan (country code 3712). I trust this will not constitute a stumbling block. I see it as a plus to have had to put up with foreigners for so long and hardly ever lose my temper. If you want, I can tell you some amazing "war stories" about these people. You wouldn't believe the shit they eat over there for instance. So that pretty much covers International.
Can I ask you something? What do you do there anyway? I saw on your web site something about email you could sign up for, but I think there is already too much email. Therefore, I think you are headed for a problem area. I am good at problem areas like this, having been in so many in my personal career-to-date. Of course, you can't expect me to tell you the answer unless you hire me, so that will just have to wait.
What else? Oh yes, I want this job because I see from your address that you are apparently in Denver (I'm in Boulder, just a stone's throw) and therefore the driving would be a lot less than, say, Los Angeles. I think location is very important to a business, don't you? You know what they say: location, location, location.
I believe that every cover letter should have some action points for followup. Otherwise the other person could forget what they're doing and then you're just dogfood. So here are mine:I'm sure you will have other questions about me, but it's pretty hard to imagine that you won't be excited to get my resume. One thing I can guarantee is that you won't ever find another candidate better suited to whatever it is you expect me to do for you.
- Let's get together and have lunch or something. Do you like Italian?
- I would like to shake hands with your CEO. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just want to make sure the guy has a good firm grip, if you know what I mean. It is a guy, right?
- You say nothing about dress in your want ad. Will I need clothes for this? I have been working out of my den for some time now, so I often forget. But if you're not "casual" down there, I will understand.
- How's your psychiatric benefits package? Some companies neglect this or go on about "pre-existing" conditions. Let's get one thing straight: I require a lot of care in this area.
- Will I get my own "cube"? Sharing is OK, but not if it's someone who has bad hygiene. I am a very clean person.
Do you have a "web browser" there? If not, maybe someone can help you to down load this file:
You can call me anytime except Thursday as they're coming to shampoo the rugs.
PS: I have attached a photo that you can keep for yourself if you want.
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Entropy Gradient Reversals CopyLeft Christopher Locke firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.rageboy.com
"reality leaves a lot to the imagination..." John Lennon
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