Sure we like Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Who doesn't? But to get our vital juices really flowing, there's still nothing quite like a hot lick from Foreigner. And it seems that Dave@Burger_King.com feels much the same way. Although the band's hit single Double Vision was initially an ode to psychedelic drugs ("I never do more than I really need..."), BK must figure that the generation who intrinsically understood this message must have long ago either OD'd or gone into advertising themselves. Thus their use of the Double Vision sound clip to hawk their double cheeseburger. Are we talking blinding marketing brilliance here or what? But never mind what we think. Thanks to the Miracle of Interactivity, you can let Burger King know what you think directly by clicking on their tasteful animated graphic.
Having suggested such feedback, however, we feel duty-bound to pass along the following notice. It's at http://www.burgerking.com:80/legal.htm, but you know, sometimes a link just isn't the same as the Real Thing.
All remarks, suggestions, ideas, graphics, data, questions or other information communicated to Burger King Corporation through this site or through electronic mail (together, the "Submission") will forever be the property of Burger King Corporation. Burger King Corporation will not treat any Submission as confidential, or proprietary and will not be liable for the use of any ideas for its business (including without limitation, product or advertising ideas) and will not incur any liability as a result of any similarities that may appear in future Burger King Corporation operations. Without limitation, Burger King Corporation will have exclusive ownership of all present and future existing rights to the Submission of every kind and nature everywhere. Burger King Corporation will be entitled to use the Submission for any commercial or other purpose whatsoever, without compensation to you or any other person sending the Submission. You acknowledge that you are responsible for whatever material you submit, and you, not Burger King Corporation, have full responsibility for the message, including its legality, reliability, appropriateness, originality, and copyright.
Fill my eyes with that Double Indemnity. When you get right down to it, isn't this what the Web is really all about? (Our own contribution to the furtherance of responsible Copyright Protection consisted in feeding the entire collected corpora of Project Gutenberg through the Burger King form, thus ending Literature As We Know It.)
As you'll soon realize anyway, this is just another of our patented bait-and-switch gambits. This loose collection of misguided musings, dysfunctional digressions and cognitive culs-de-sac (together, "The Current Issue") really has nothing to do with either flame-broiled lawyers or wasted rock stars. Instead, it's our First Annual Subscription Appeal. Hey, if National Public Radio can do it, why not us? We figure we're at least equally vital to the goal of a fully informed electorate. Of course, since many of our subscribers live outside the United States, they could give a crap about voting here. And even for those of us living in The Land of the Free/Home of the Brave, we don't really get a chance to vote on the important things -- like whether we want to see more Burger King ads on television. Anyway, assume there's a point in all this...
EGR is rapidly closing in on that all-important milestone for any cyber 'zine: our first thousand subscribers. We therefore wanted to take this opportunity to encourage and accelerate this exciting upward trend. God knows, it's taken long enough to get this far. We are therefore turning to our Loyal Readers and asking for your help. Please take a moment of your time to tell a friend about Entropy Gradient Reversals. As you know from your own experience online, value like this is rare enough these days. Think of an Internet without EGR and ask yourself one simple question: "Would I want to live in that kind of world?"
If that's not enough, remember, there's also a FREE toaster oven for the 1000th subscriber.
But what we really want to know is, with all the multimedia landfill on the Internet drawing hits like flies to shit, why are we still slogging along down here in the trenches? Why are we writing for a handful of halfwit losers like you when we could be appearing on Letterman? Is it something about our language? Christ on a crutch! We just talk like everybody else. Could it be our apparent lack of respect for Electronic Commerce? You mean we should be drooling over Office 97 and WebTV? Yeah well, fuck that.
it's not like we're
whining or anything
but how about you pathetic hosers
bring us a little more
of this thankless
We knew you'd understand.
Here, check out these EGR stats from Link Exchange for today, Saturday February 8 1997:Cumulative Since Joining
Dec 29 1996We have registered 2898 visits to your site.Now take that last item, if you will. This is the kind of market intelligence that causes network-mediated hucksters to hang themselves. Not that that's an altogether bad idea. But we see our mission in a little different light. Click-Through is less important in the Early Going than Brand Awareness, and who can doubt that Entropy Gradient Reversals is rapidly becoming all but a household word -- at least among the Online Illuminati. Nonetheless, it must be admitted that, in the final analysis, the results reported above really do Suck the Big One.
You have been advertised on other sites 1443 times so far.
You have received 18 visits through your banner.
This gives you an exposure to click-thru ratio of 80.2 : 1.
So, given that we're doing all this for nothing, that none of you pays one goddam red cent for these Pearls of Wisdom and that they're available nowhere else in the Known Universe, wouldn't sheer guilt alone motivate you to get off your numb butt and lend a freaking hand over here?!?!
"But what can I do?" you ask. Yeah, we figured you'd ask that, not being overly gifted in drawing the obvious inference. You can do this:
Forward this message
or its associated URL
to everyone you know.
Think you can handle that?
|Normally mild mannered and naturally self-effacing, EGR once a year takes the liberty of extolling its own virtues. This is one of those times -- and why we ask you to pass this issue along to others of equal IQ. Having rambled through enough preamble, here are ten reasons everyone should read Entropy Gradient Reversals, without respect to age, race, sexual orientation or country of national origin.|
|1.||Who Else Would Abuse You Like This?|
|Never obsequious, EGR calls em like it sees em. Unlike other online publications vying for a wafer-thin slice of your limited attention span, we don't pretend to have any particular use for you. Where else do you encounter such uncompromising honesty on the Internet? Other than CNNfn, of course.|
|2.||No Bogus "Value Proposition"|
|We plan to sell your ass into advertising slavery. That's the whole deal. We don't even claim to know what we're talking about. As should be clear from this issue alone, we often write with no idea of what it is we're attempting to convey. If something comes together, so much the better. But we never ever edit or do second drafts. That way our ideas are always WYSIWYG fresh.|
|3.||Intellectual Property Squatters Association|
|We spare no inconvenience in bringing you the best that can be ripped from other pages without so much as a by-your-leave. That way you can rip us off with impunity from prosecution by primary copyright holders.|
|At every turn, we emulate William F. Buckley's vocabulary while urinating on his politics. Usually, only arrogant bluestocking prigs write the kind of prose you'll find here in every issue. EGR brings a modicum of panache to the proletariat, sprinkling sesquipedalian terms of art among its hoary and much favored Anglo-Saxonisms. Do our readers take enjoyment from this eclectic style? You're fuckin-A right they do!|
|5.||Pandering to the LCD|
|That's for Lowest Common Denominator, not Liquid Crystal Display. Oh, you're so hip! So technology-savvy! Gosh. Wow. Etc. See? We do our best to make you feel good about yourselves. Talk about biting off more than we can chew...|
|6.||We Catch What the Others Miss|
|How did FEED miss out on the Mr. Ed story? How did yet another warmed over interview with Camille Paglia cause Salon to be looking the other way on the Olympics? How did Suck manage to totally miss the boat on web advertising? Let's face it, these monosyllabic web pub wannabees have lost it. Only EGR focuses on the behind-the-scenes issues affecting how you'll live and work tomorrow, and where you can find the best parking in downtown Kuala Lampur.|
|7.||Unbiased, Objective Reporting|
|We have no ties to military-industrial conglomerates or buttwipe software companies. We're working on it, but right now we're pretty independent and untouchable (make offer). Unlike the mainstream press, which would sell its collective grandmother for a nickel, we don't care whose toes we step on. To us, high-level exhibitionism is a much more attractive proposition than a few extra bucks in Payola. However, we reserve the right to revise this inclination at any time without prior notice.|
|8.||Seamless Dada Conversion|
|When the blue abacus radiates fluorescent synesthesias, count on a full moon to illuminate the potential zebra in us all. EGR is to precognition what outlawed undergarments are to Etruscan trombone overtures. We are Duchampians of the world.|
|9.||Noise As Found Signal|
|Other publications ignore people and events they deem insignificant. Not us. We look for material that's either so obvious no one gives it a second thought, or so stupid everyone takes it for granted. While others explain what's coming and how you can do something about it, we tell you what's already happened, and why you can't.|
|Having nothing to say has never stopped us. When we tell you to expect a list of ten things, then goddammit, there are going to be ten -- not nine or three or sixteen. Other publications are subject to writer's block, or the occasional cessation of events -- though they do their best to cover up when things fail to take place. We let you know when there's nothing doing. EGR is committed to bringing you maximum words with minimum impact. Sure we take life seriously. Sure we understand our responsibility to society. Sure we do what we can to improve the world in which we all must live. But of one thing you may rest assured:|
Nothing to disclaim at this time.
This is the greatest electronic newsletter ever created. If you think so too, it's free. If you don't think so, the annual subscription rate is $1000. Either way, to subscribe send email to email@example.com saying simply subscribe on a single line in the BODY of the message. Or, go to http://www.rageboy.com/sub-up.html where it will tell you to do the same thing. No Animals Will Be Harmed in the Making of This Subscription.
Entropy Gradient Reversals CopyLeft Christopher Locke firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.rageboy.com
"reality leaves a lot to the imagination..." John Lennon
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