Entropy Gradient Reversals
Truth, Sir,
is a cow which will yield such people no more milk,
and so they are gone to milk the bull.

Samuel Johnson

other readers' comments...
add your own remarks...

Milking the Internet



    This Special Issue breaks new ground in several respects. First, we share with you -- hereinafter The Audience -- some of the recent and exciting happenings at EGR World Headquarters. This is covered in the section below entitled Shameless Self Promotion.

Second, we share a copy of a letter we recently received from one of our loyal EGR Irregulars. Although one never knows about these things on the Internet, this document (replicated below) appears to be quite genuine. To our ear, it sounded astonishingly close to something we might write ourselves in slashing parody of the Corporate Weltanschauung. However, it appears that this is a direct artifact of that mindset -- and as such, far better than anything our own meager efforts could concoct.

Please join us, therefore, in a big round of applause for William M. Elliott, Senior Vice President and General Counsel at Gateway 2000, a company apparently intent upon public self-immolation. Bravo Mr. Elliott! Well done indeed.

But first, more about ourselves...

Nothing to Hide

Shameless Self Promotion

EGR all of a sudden has a lot of new readers. No more than a week ago, we were wondering if hitting the 333 subscriber mark warranted an issue on Half the Number of the Beast (we decided it did not), and just before beginning this issue we hit 444. This Great Leap Forward came about via events largely chronicled in our Awards, Reviews and Hot Links section, a page we strongly suspect nobody ever looks at. Therefore, partly to get the New Folks used to the kind of abuse you Old Timers have come to expect, we are shoving it right in your face.
So, with all this notoriety, we have been awash in new subs. We need a freaking listserver over here, folks, if anyone has one to donate to this worthy charitable cause. Doing this shit by hand is definitely getting old. And it threatens to get even worse. A new site by famed cartoonist John Callahan is about to come online any day now and it includes an outrageous link to EGR on its Dog Rocket Newsletter subscription page. As this site is not yet open to the general public, please do not click on


Thank you.

Of course, even given this surge in readership, we are still quite behind the curve in our drive to the 2,000,000 audited circulation figure prerequisite to our Inevitable Public Offering. In EGR Release 0.02 we surmised that we would arrive at this magic number within 14 weeks if each subscriber were to bring in just one new recruit per week. With more than twice that many weeks now having elapsed since we launched this noble publishing initiative, and only 464 current subscribers (20 new ones since we started writing), we are admittedly somewhat shy of the mark. However, we just now noticed that we made a felicitous mistake in our favor when initially constructing the EGR homepage, which claims we will be ready for our IPO in 14 months. Therefore, we still have time. By our present calculations, we can far exceed this goal by July 1997 if each of you will solicit one new subscriber every week, and each of those new subscribers agrees to do the same. We know it's a lot to ask, but please consider the monetary advantage to ourselves when we can sell you into advertising bondage to the biggest spam-brokers on the planet!

Such, then, are our own efforts at milking the Internet. Sad to say, they pale to insignificance compared to the following item in re Gateway 2000 -- a company, we are quick to point out, with far greater financial resources than our own. Perhaps one day EGR will be able to Screw the Net with the same masterful aplomb. Until then, we can only admire the stunning bravado of this forward-thinking corporation.

Bend Over Bossie!

2COWS TUCOWS stands for
The Ultimate Collection of Winsock Software
which has been around for some time
helping its web-footed friends to find and download
the latest and greatest in TCP/IP geekery.
While it has nothing to do with farm animals, the site adopted as it's brand and logo the pair of innocent looking bovines pictured above (unless you're among those pitiful web-challenged souls still reading this in email). But hold on. Are they as innocent as they look? Gateway 2000 calls them infringers! Rather than editorialize -- we are sensitive to the concerns of the Conservative Right in this regard -- we present here in its entirety the letter TUCOWS allegedly received from the company's Resident Lickspittle. You tell us if this isn't the brightest move you've ever seen by a billion-dollar computer corporation trying to fatten its Internet market share.
Registered Mail From Gateway 2000, Inc.

October 22, 1996


Scott Swedorski, President
5415 Dundas Street West
Suite 301
Etobicoke, Ontario
M9B 1B5

RE: Use of Holstein Cow by TUCOWS

Dear Mr. Swedorski:

It has come to our attention that your company is infringing on a
valuable trademark of Gateway 2000, Inc. Specifically, we note that
you are depicting Holstein cows on your web site to promote your

Please be advised that Gateway 2000, Inc. owns the valid and
subsisting federal Reg No. 1,725,231, marks consisting of a stylized
design representing cow spots. This trademark and the Holstein cow are
widely associated with Gateway 2000 and represent valuable goodwill
and company assets. Gateway 2000, Inc. has promoted the Holstein cow
and cow spots extensively to the consuming public and the trade,
including the display of its cow spots trademark on boxes in which its
products are shipped, which in 1995 amounted to almost 3.7 billion in
sales. Your company's use of the Holstein cow and cow spots in
connection with services relating to products of Gateway 2000 is
likely to confuse and deceive the consuming public. We therefore call
upon TUCOWS to cease all use of trademarks of Gateway 2000

Please contact us within ten (10) days of receipt of this letter with
written assurances that TUCOWS has undertaken to cease its
infringement of our registered trademarks. Absent a satisfactory
response from you, we will take whatever legal action we deem
appropriate without further notice to you.


William M. Elliott
Senior Vice President and General Counsel

610 Gateway Drive
P.O. Box 2000
North Sioux City, South Dakota 57049-2000
Telephone 605-232-2000
Fax 605-232-2023
Toll Free 800-846-2000

Are you, the Consuming Public, confused and deceived?

We think not.

Please note that free 800 number, Gentle Readers,
and join with us here at EGR World Headquarters
in pissing on Gateway 2000 as from a great height.

Truth Really Is
Stranger Than Fiction

Entropy Gradient Reversals
All Noise - All the Time


Nothing to disclaim at this time.


This is the greatest electronic newsletter ever created. If you think so too, it's free. If you don't think so, the annual subscription rate is $1000. Either way, to subscribe send email to egr-list-request@rageboy.com saying simply subscribe on a single line in the BODY of the message. Or, go to http://www.rageboy.com/sub-up.html where it will tell you to do the same thing. No Animals Will Be Harmed in the Making of This Subscription.

                                     Entropy Gradient Reversals
                                     CopyLeft Christopher Locke


"reality leaves a lot to the imagination..." John Lennon

Back to EGR HomePage

FastCounter by LinkExchange