You've probably noticed that there hasn't been a new edition for several weeks. While we realize how devastating this can be for our readers, we really can't help it. We are not sulking in our tent this time. This delay is not -- as in some past cases -- disgruntled payback for your refusal to promote EGR more vigorously. No, it's because we're <groan> moving!
We've been toying with the idea of doing a pre-move issue for some time now, but it doesn't seem to be happening. In fact, instead of putting out our miserable excuse for a newsletter, we now find ourselves reduced to publishing excuses for not publishing our miserable excuse for a newsletter. Hey, perhaps we're onto something here!
But probably not.
Anyway, we figured we ought to let you know what's up here at World Headquarters and why we're likely to be offline a for a while longer.
Added to the usual woes of moving, we have some special difficulties here at EGR. Mr. Ed is raising unholy hell over the whole business. He's taken to crapping in the formal dining hall, and just yesterday ate an entire roll-away sofa bed. Omar is being even more obstreperous, if that's possible -- hurling date pits everywhere and using the foulest language ever heard outside of a major metropolitan seaport. Since the guy weighs in at about 350 pounds, it isn't like this is exactly easy to ignore. RageBoy, usually pretty level-headed despite his name, is totally out of control. He's decided that this'd be the perfect time to reengineer Netscape's bookmarking capabilities (or lack thereof) -- that and play about 3000 games a day of Microsoft Hearts. These people are making life very difficult for the entire editorial staff.
It's our own fault, however. Working in the computer industry these days is like being a freaking bedouin. It used to be we'd have to migrate about every two years to follow the high-tech harvests. Now, we seem to be pitching our tent in a new state every other quarter. We might as well buy one of those fully outfitted mobile campers and just drive around to the different gigs. "Hi, we're here! Can we help you out with a little Internet strategy there, asswipe?"
Christ, we're getting way too old for this shit...
Before we sign off this shortest of all our releases to-date, we'd like to say that -- thanks to you! -- we are finally within kissing distance of having 300 bona fide subscribers. And no, this isn't counting the buttheads who unsubbed. Good riddance to them we say. We are committed to having the hardest-core readership of any publication in the industry. So if anything in EGR ever offends you, or even if you simply disagree, then hey, bugger off! We don't need your whining added to all our other troubles. (It's not like we can attract advertising with these pitiful numbers. If we could, we'd certainly be a lot nicer.)
On the other hand, if you share our commitment to the time-tested principles of Gonzo Business Management (GBM), we hope you'll stick around and invite more of your ilk to partake in the exciting Fall Lineup we have planned. Here are just a few of the Special Theme Issues our staff is working on.
|I Was A Teenage Brain Surgeon|
|RageBoy's true-life account of his experiences as a monkey neurobiologist. He will also recount how he supplemented his $65/week salary by selling -- and ingesting -- large quantities of psychedelic drugs during this shadowy period of his early life.|
|101 Ways to Have Fun in the Fortune 500|
|While we think this could be an exciting and popular issue, we are having some trouble with the background research. So far, we've only discovered two ways, and both carry fairly hefty jail sentences.|
|Oxymoron or just plain bad idea? Looking for answers, we travel to some of the world's most prestigious university research centers and interview their directors. From our initial correspondence, these tireless techno-jocks make veteran used car dealers look like retiring wall flowers. Learn why sharp cuts in DARPA and NSF funding are releasing a tidal wave of computational occultism onto an unsuspecting world.|
|The World Wide Web Unhinged|
|While Bob Metcalfe may speculate about the Internet folding under burgeoning pressure from the masses coming online, we ponder the social impact of Total Cognitive Meltdown (TCM). What will happen when everyone realizes that nobody agrees with anyone else on any issue? Plan to come along for the ride as we find out.|
|Profit From the Impending IQ Collapse!|
|"Are people really getting stupider?" Admit it: you ask yourself this question at least a dozen times a day. Join us as we go In Search Of tell-tale traces of intelligence in modern culture. Who knows? Perhaps we'll even turn something up.|
|Mondo Cane in the Office|
|Body piercing was just the beginning, and that was safely countercultural. In this issue, EGR will explore some of the more alarming practices starting to show up among white-collar information workers. When was the last time you drove staples into your head because the clock was moving too slow?|
|The 40-Minute Week|
|With everybody and their long-lost Uncle coming online, what will happen to work as we know it? Will people just keep fucking the dog as they've done for decades in large American corporations? Or will they actually attempt to accomplish something for a change? If so, intranets could become more than just speedy conduits for prurient pictures and bloodthirsty network games. This will be an issue to share with the boss!|
|Channeling the Dead in Meetings|
|Having trouble coming up with new ideas to impress co-workers? We look at the lengths some people are going to in this respect. If you think business meetings are pointless and deadly today, wait til you hear what's in store for the Corporation of Tomorrow!|
|What do pet lobsters, rhinoplasty, Occam's Razor and bacchanalian revels in New York's SoHo district all have in common? To find out, you won't want to miss this issue!|
Some of you have inquired whether I'm still at IBM. The answer is... no.
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"reality leaves a lot to the imagination..." John Lennon
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